 1. Aforizmi [01.02.01 Nikolay Bancov]
 2. Before and After Marriage [01.02.01 Atanas Banov]
3. Software Professional [02.02.01 Atanas Banov]
4. Madrostta moze da bade namerena navsiakade [05.02.01 Atanas Mihalev]
5. GPS [08.02.01 Lazar Ivanov]
6. Момченце [09.02.01; Venelin Voykov]
7. Only in America [12.02.01 Ata Ivanov]
8. Мерцедес [15.02.01 Venko Ivanov]
9. Valentine's Day [16.02.01 Hristo Penov]
10. The hedgehog can never be buggered at all [22.02.01; Radostina Georgieva]
Aforizmi 1. Shtastieto ne e v tezi jeni, s koito iskash da spish, a v tezi, do koito iskash da se sybudish.
2. Priatelite sa hora, koito vi poznavat dobre, no vupreki tova vi obichat.
3. Cukchite kazvat, che "vegetarianec" znachi krivoryk lovec.
4. Myjyt moje da dade vsichko za tova, koeto iska. Jenata iska da poluchi vsichko za tova, koeto moje da dade.
5. Ako govoriat za devoika, ce e ne samo krasiva, no i umna, tova znachi, che da ia chukash e ne samo priatno, no i interesno.
6. Slab pol - pyk kolko sili vzema!
7. Zakoni na Myrfi za rabotata:
-ako otlojish rabotata za dylgo: ili shte ia svirshi drug, ili shte stane nenujna;
-ako rabotish uporito po 8 chasa na den, to sled vreme shte stanesh nachalnik i shte imash pravoto da rabotish po 12 chasa na den;
-ako ne mojesh da postignesh uspeh, prerazgledai kriteriite za uspeh.
8. Jenata ia pazi otpred, a sebe si - otzad.
9. Krivi triabva da bydet mozychnite gynki, a ne rycete
10. Istinski pian: kato vlezesh v toaletnata - ne znaesh s koia strana da se obyrnesh kym chiniata.
11. S teleskop slynceto moje da se vidi samo dva pyti v jivota: s ednoto oko, a sled tova - s drugoto.
12. Krasiva jena: rai za ochite, chistilishte za portfeila i ad za uma.
13. Glavnata razlika mejdu platenata liubov i bezkoristnata liubov e v tova, che platenete liubov e po-evtina.
14. Bibliata ni uchi da obichame blijnia, a Kamasutra - kak imenno.
15. Pri geolozite: kydeto si legnesh - tam ti e krevata, kydeto ti stane - tam e jenata
Before and After Marriage Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating. Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month. Before - She loves the way I take control of a
Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative,
egomaniac. Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel. Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football. Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's
done... Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start. Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence. Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy. Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare. Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem. Before - Turbocharged.
After - Needs a jump-start Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom. Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain. Before - Idol.
After - Idle. Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions? Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere. Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee. Before - Oysters.
After - Fishsticks. Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like
you? Before - Romeo and Juliet.
After - Bill and Hillary..
Software Professional vstruct SoftwareProfessional
{
double salary;
long lunches;
float jobs;
char unstable;
void work;
short tempers;
};
Madrostta moze da bade namerena navsiakade Reader Jody Roy has been playing with UNIX, whose
command shell offers
these responses to
nonsensical commands (the commands are preceded by a
"%" sign). % make love
Make Don't know how to make love. Stop. % got a light?
No match. % sleep with me
bad character % man Why did you get a divorce?
man Too many arguments. % make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make Don't know how to make heads or tails of all
this. Stop. % make sense
Make Don't know how to make sense. Stop. % make mistake
Make Don't know how to make mistake. Stop. % \(-
(-: Command not found. % date me
You are not superuser date not set Mon Sep 11 155230
PDT 2000 % man rear
No manual entry for rear. % * How would you describe Clinton
* Ambiguous. % %Vice-President
%Vice-President No such job. % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]. | % ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed. % who is my match?
No match. % awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
awk syntax error near line 1
awk bailing out near line % 'thou shalt not commit adultery'
thou shalt not commit adultery Command not found.
GPS A GPS helps a guy keep track of where his couch is
I'm a big fan of technology. Most guys are. This is why all important inventions were invented by guys.
For example, millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
So we see that there are vital reasons why guys are interested in technology, and why women should not give them a hard time about always wanting to have the "latest gadget." And when I say "women," I mean "my wife."
For example, as a guy, I feel I need a new computer every time a new model comes out, which is every 15 minutes. This baffles my wife, who has had the same computer since the Civil War and refuses to get a new one because - get THIS for an excuse - the one she has works fine. I try to explain that when you get a new computer, you get exciting new features. My new computer has a truly fascinating feature: Whenever I try to turn it off, the following message, which I am not making up, appears on the screen:
"An exception 0E has occurred at 0028:F000F841 in VxD_-. This was called from 0028:C001D324 in VxD NDIS(01) + 00005AA0. It may be possible to continue normally."
Clearly, this message is not of human origin. Clearly, my new computer is receiving this message from space aliens. I don't understand all of it, but apparently there has been some kind of intergalactic problem that the aliens want to warn us about. What concerns me is the last sentence, because if the aliens are telling us that "it may be possible to continue normally," they are clearly implying that it may NOT be possible to continue normally. In other words, the earth may be doomed, and the aliens have chosen ME to receive this message. If I can figure out exactly what they're saying, I might be able to save humanity!
Unfortunately, I don't have time, because I'm busy using my new GPS device. This is an extremely important gadget that every guy in the world needs. It receives signals from orbiting satellites, and somehow - I suspect the 'cosine' is involved - it figures out exactly where on the earth you are. Let's say you're in the town of Arcola, Ill., but for some reason you do not realize this. You turn on your GPS, and, after pondering for a few minutes, it informs you that you are in ... Arcola, Ill.! My wife argues that it's easier to just ASK somebody, but of course you cannot do that if you truly are a guy.
I became aware of how useful a GPS can be when I was on a plane trip with a literary rock band I belong to called the Rock Bottom Remainders, which has been hailed by critics as having one of the world's highest ratios of noise to talent. On this trip were two band members whom I will identify only as "Roger" and "Steve," so that you will not know that they are actually Roger McGuinn, legendary co-founder of the Byrds; and Stephen King, legendary legend.
We were flying from Chicago to Boston, and while everybody else was reading or sleeping, "Roger" and "Steve," who are both fully grown men, were staring at their GPS devices and periodically informing each other how far we were from the Boston airport. "Roger" would say, "I'm showing 238 miles," and "Steve" would say, "I'm showing 241 miles." Then "Roger" would say, "Now I'm showing 236 miles," and "Steve" would come back with another figure, and so on. My wife, who was confident that the airplane pilot did not need help locating Boston, thought this was the silliest thing she had ever seen. Whereas I thought: I NEED one of those.
So I got a GPS for Christmas, and I spent the entire day sitting on a couch, putting it to good use. Like, I figured out exactly where our house is. My wife told me this was exciting news. I think she was being sarcastic, but I couldn't be sure, because I had to keep watching the GPS screen, in case our house moved. I also used my GPS to figure out exactly how far my couch is from LaGuardia airport (1,103 miles). There is NO END to the usefulness of this device! If you're a guy, you need to get one NOW, so you can locate yourself on the planet. While we still have one.
X X X
(Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. )
(c) 2001, The Miami Herald
Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
Момченце Майка води момчето си на лекар и казва:
- Докторе, погледнете моля, какво става с пишлето му.
Докторът:
- Такааа, от този момент нататък пишлето ще наричаме член и започваме да лекуваме трипер.
Only in America NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE TRUTH 1. Only in America....
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......
do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America......
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......
do we use the word politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......
do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some ACTUAL label instructions on consumer goods: 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair] 2.On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside". [Evidently, the shoplifter special] 3. On a bar of Dial soap:"Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?] 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion] 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!] 6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the day . .. ..] 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?] 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.] 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope] 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?] 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious]. 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH] 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta] 14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!
Мерцедес Повтаря се стандартната ситуация. Мерцедес спира рязко и в задницата му
се набива Трабантче. От мерцедеса излиза огромен мъжага, с два
килограма злато по ръцете, късо подстриган и с огромен врат. В Трабанта
седи дребен човечец, държи се с две ръце за главата и трепери от страх.
Мутрата почуква усмихнато по прозореца. Човечецът бавно го сваля
надолу.
Мутрата благо казва:
- Ей, пич, ама защо си се разтревожил така. Ама я се усмихни, та ти
току що си купи Мерцедес!!!
Valentine's Day For all of you who have some to snuggle with today (Which is apparently everyone BUT myself) I have a very special message about what's going to happen when you get married. You know what they say: When you're single, all you see are couples. When your a couple, all you see are losers.
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS 1: The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all! Mounting a horse can often be fun
An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton
Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS 2: The spines on his back are so awful thick
you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.
He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all! Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo
Will be entertaining to both her and you
Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS 3: (So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as they come
You'll never get through his impregnable bum
With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in a ball
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all) CHORUS A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet
And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet
Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill
It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill
You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night
With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite
We already mentioned the horse, you may recall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell
Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell
A troll can be rocky if down you should fall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter
Or pego a pig after parting his trotters
Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur
To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer
The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat
Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing
Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,
Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,
Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,
A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS A sheep that's named 'Flossy' is warm you shall see,
You can try with a wasp, you can try with a bee.
You can hump with the dog that sleeps in the hall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS A lion is frisky, a leopard is fun,
But to keep up with them you may have to run.
You'll be liked by the fleas at the flea-market stall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS A hippo is funny but take care if underneath,
A pirhana is pleasant but watch out for his teeth.
Get a rodent, they can be found in the mall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You tail-lifting buggers from Ramtop or plain
If you take my advice you will save yourself pain
When the base urges strike you it's best to recall
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all CHORUS Your hedgehog's a handful and cute as a bun
You'd think he'd be perfect for animal fun
But hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can top a giraffe if you stand on a stool
Though a Jack Russell might make you look like a fool
But the fact still remains that if you want to ball
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS You can hump a baboon if it doesn't hump you
And a wildebeest's really got something quite gnu
Carouse with a louse if your weenie is small
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. CHORUS It's hard with a crab 'cause its bum's watertight
The best way is sideways, then twist to the right
If you screw one, be thankful as shorewards you crawl
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all. | 
My name is Radostina Georgieva, "Roddy".