David---Maddie, Maddie, Maddie.....You're losing your grip and I haven't even had a chance to sample it yet.

***

David---How much do you need?
Maddie---Thirty-five thousand.
David---Dollars?
Maddie---Yes. Where on earth am I gonna get that kind of money?
David---I don't know... But we will.
Maddie---We will... How?
David---We'll make it.
Maddie---Where? On the Xerox machine?!
David---Lady...How many times do I have to tell you? We're sitting on a money machine here. We just haven't figured out how to turn it on yet.
Maddie---You are a preposterous human being...do you know that?...A preposterous human being.
David---Why?...Because I believe in thinking positively?
Maddie---Thinking positively?! David...we're standing on the decks of the Titanic and you're suggesting songs to the band!...This business doesn't work...No one calls, no one comes in....It's breaking your heart, and it's bankrupting me...Why are we putting ourselves through this. Why?
David---Because we are on the verge, Maddie! We are on the verge.
Maddie---On the verge of what?....Why am I asking?...He'll just tell me...
David---On the verge of "happening", Maddie. Any hour, any minute now...
Maddie---I can't believe I'm listening to you...Why am I living this life?...I've never done anything to deserve this...
David---Look, I know why you feel depressed...This is normal, Maddie. This is absolutely normal...
Maddie---If I had known that being good didn't count, I would have stayed up later...slept around more...
David---And you've got a right to be concerned...I know what's got you nervous...this mild recessionary trend we're experiencing here...

***

Maddie---I didn't even know you had a brother.
David---Never thought of him as a brother...Just mom and dad's science project.

***

Maddie ---Hello, Stranger.
David---Stranger who? Stranger me?
Maddie---They don't get any stranger...You disappeared last night.
David---You looked like you were having such a swell time...I didn't think you'd even notice.
Maddie---I noticed...after a while...I had a nice time. A nice night...He's a terrific guy.
David---Richie? Oh yeah...You just don't want to be around during skin-shedding quotes.
Maddie---He had nothing but nice things to say about you.
David---Well, I have nothing but nice things to say about me either.
Maddie---(not amused by his response)
I did it again...
David---Did what?...Well, would you do it once with me?

***

(in the bathroom stall)
Navarone---Mr. Addison?
David---Yeeeeeeeees?
Navarone---Mr. Addison...
David---C'mon fella...we're in the toilet...Call me Dave.
Navarone---You have something that belongs to me.
David---Not in here I don't.

***

David---And I really do love that guy...How bout you?
Maddie---How 'bout me' what?
David---Nothing.
Maddie---I would have dropped him at the terminal.
David---Cross your heart?
(she does)
This ain't bad...You always this much fun this early in the morning?
Maddie---You're gonna die wondering.

***

Maddie---Addison, there are people physically assaulting each other in our office. Does that say something to you? It says something to me.
David---Sounds like?
Maddie---This is serious...At the root of this problem is boredom, lack of self-esteem, no sense of accomplishment, feelings of worthlessness...
David---I had no idea. Have you considered therapy?
Maddie---I'm not talking about me! I'm talking about them! They have nothing to do all day but sit out there and stare at the clock...They have a desk, we give them a title, we give them a paycheck, but they don't do anything to earn it.
David---You think it's easy doing nothing all day?

***

Maddie---There's a part of me that thinks we'd be doing these people a favor by firing them.
David---Show me which part so I can cut it out.

***

Maddie---Where's your humanity?
David---I had to hock it to pay my rent.

***

David ---Let's be friends. You didn't say that did you?...That's the worst. That's female for no kissy, no touchy, no horizonty...Tell me you didn't say that.
Maddie ---I didn't say that...No horizonty?!

***

David---Blue Moon...We find 'em, you kill 'em...We tag 'em, you bag 'em...We spot 'em, you drop 'em...Not funny?
Maddie---You swing from a vine, Addison.
David---Sounds like fun.

***

Maddie---I'd be better off in business by myself.
David---Oh, really?
Maddie---No...not really...Just forget I said it.
David---You were serious.
Maddie---If I was serious I wouldn't have said it, I mean, I wouldn't have said to forget it.
David---If you weren't serious, you wouldn't have said it at all... You really don't wanna be partners with me, do you?
Maddie---I need a partner, you're a partner...If I could pick any partner, would I pick you?...I don't know.
David---When I sit home at night thinking about the perfect person to compliment my complex personality, you're not the first to spring to mind.
Maddie---Springs to what?
David---You know what your problem is?
Maddie---I fear I'm looking at it.
David---It makes you so crazy to think that you need me.
Maddie---I don't need you!
David---You do need me...I'm your lifeline, honey...Without me...
Maddie---Without you I wouldn't be here at two o'clock in the morning trying to figure out how to prove a woman who seems to have killed a man didn't....and a man who seems to not have did!...Without you I wouldn't be involved in this stupid case!...Without you...
David---What?
Maddie---Never mind.
David---What?
Maddie---Never mind.
David---No, I wanna know!
Maddie---No, you don't.
David---Think you can do a better job without me?
Maddie---I didn't sat that.
David---No, but you were thinking it.
Maddie---How can you be so smart about me and so stupid about everything else?
David---Alright, fine...I'll make it easy for you...You clean up this case your way and I'll clean it up my way...How's that?
Maddie---Good.
David---Good.
Maddie---Fine!
David---Fine! Okay, fine!

***

David---Lady, Lady, Lady...downshift a minute...Are you mad at me?
Maddie---What makes you think that?
David---I don't know...but I kind of sensed some anger when I caught up with you at the elevator and you told the other passengers that I had contagious hepatitis.
Maddie---I don't know what came over me.
David---Hey...It's okay...I don't mind walking down twenty-three flights of stairs as long as I know that you're not ticked.

***

Maddie---Buenos Aires!...Sawyer..the man who stole my money is in Buenos Aires...
David---Buenos Aires? Isn't that near Buenos Noches?

***

David---Maddie.....
Maddie---David.....
David---I think what you are experiencing is a normal emotional reaction...
Maddie---Of course, it's an emotional reaction...the guy stole my money...
David---...to the news that this man is using the money that used to belong to you...
Maddie---...it still belongs to me...It's my money.
David---...for his own purposes...However, I think if you consider the realities of flying down to Buenos Aires and confronting this man...
Maddie---...I'm gonna find him, then I'm gonna kill him....
David---...you will see it's not a rational thing to do.
Maddie---...Then after that, I'm gonna kill him again.
David---But hey, you make up your own mind.

***

Maddie ---(to Agnes)
Book me on the next flight to Buenos Aires.
David---(to Agnes) Dial slow...
David---Listen...Do you mind if I just talk some sense to you.
Maddie---That will be a first.
David---What the hell are you going down there for?
Maddie---To get back what's mine.
David---What was your's...It's gone. Don't you understand....Kiss it bye-bye, will ya?
Maddie---Thanks for the encouragement.
David---I'm just telling you the truth...Isn't it enough that the guy bamboozled you, now you gotta go down there so the guy can laugh at you?
Maddie---He's not gonna laugh.
David---Oh, yes he is.
Maddie---He's not gonna laugh!
David---Oh, yes he is!
Maddie---He's not gonna laugh!!!!!
David---You're right, he's gonna roar!!!
Maddie---Out of my way!
David---What do you think's gonna happen when you go down there?
Maddie---I'm not going to have this conversation with you.
David---You think you're just gonna walk up to him and say "How's it going? Give me my money back."
Maddie---What he's doing is wrong. It's illegal.
David---Why do you think he went to South America? Do you think there are all?? casino's in Las Vegas?...Maddie, wake up! You're not going to get your money or him outta that country.
Maddie---You wouldn't, you couldn't understand!...I want, I need to look this man in the eye and let him know what he has done to me.
David---Why?...He's done it. Isn't that enough?
Maddie---No, no...I want him to look me in the eye and tell me I'm never gonna see my money again.
David---Oh great!...In that case have a wonderful trip, cause that's exactly what's gonna happen!...Maddie, listen to me. I'm your friend...stop dreaming.
Maddie---I'm dreaming?!!! I'm dreaming?!!!....Addison, I hate this!! I hate not knowing where the next client is coming from and if the next phone call is someone who's angry at me because I haven't paid a bill. I hate having to balance my checkbook every week and get it right. I hate having to stop and think everytime I use my credit card. I hate shopping for the best bargains and I hate seeing something I like in a store window and having to think someday instead of today, I HATE THAT!..And I hate this!
David---Things are tough all over, kid.
Maddie---Not all over, kid.
David---Maddie, don't go.
Maddie---I'm going.
David---Maddie, don't go.
Maddie---I'm going.
David---Don't go!
Maddie---Goodbye!!
David ---Fine...Go...See if I care!!

***

David---Been counting on other people for a while now and I'll tell you I just learned something. There's only one person in this world that you can count on and that's yourself....I mean, you're born alone and you die alone, right?
Agnes---Right!...Well...except for your mother.
David---What?
Agnes---Well...lots of times, when people are born, the mother is there...Although...I don't suppose they have to be.

***

(in a restaurant in Buenos Aires)
Maddie---Where did you come from?
David---What's the matter, didn't you have a Barbie and Ken doll when you were a kid?...See there's this bird and this bee...
Maddie---I can't believe you're here.
David---Touch me.
(she doesn't, then...)
You're right. If it's really love, it's worth waiting for.
Maddie---I need a drink.

***

Ron---You must be Mr. Hayes.
David---10-4, buddy!! And by the way, Maddie's mom and I are having a terrific time down here.
(then)
I'm really her kid brother..I matured early...tough childhood, raised in a pup tent, you know....
Maddie---Ron, this is my business asssociate, David Addison...David, this is the infamous Ron Sawyer.
Ron---Pleasure to meet you.
David---Saw your brother Tom's movie...loved the fencing scene.

***

Maddie---Alright, lets foget the casino.
David---Now you're talking.
Maddie---You and Sawyer... No casino... No house...No luck.
David---No understand.
Maddie---Poker...stud poker..he's got a game going on right now back there.
David---What are we gonna do, just bust in on them?!
Maddie---Sure.
David---Now, Lucyyyyyyyyy!
Maddie---Whatever happened to "Ace in the Hole Addison", don't you wanna shave with a knife, don't you wanna eat any more cold cuts?
David---That's not it...
Maddie---Then what is it?
(finally understanding)
You're scared!
David---Hell no, not of Sawyer!
Maddie---What does that mean?
David---What if I lose, Maddie? Anybody could lose..You just said that.

***

Maddie---Sad.
David---Sad?
Maddie---That murder. Sad to think that an innocent person died...just because she fell in love with the wrong guy...
David---Wait a second...wait a second...there's a page missing from my copy of the script... (then)
How do you know he was the "wrong guy?"...They never solved the Flamingo Cove murder, Maddie. It's certainly possible that he was the right guy and she was the wrong girl...
Maddie---Yeah...Sure...I suppose.
David---What do you mean...you suppose?
Maddie---I mean I suppose she could have done it...but I'm sure he did it.
David---How can you be sure?
Maddie---Common sense.
David---Common sense?
Maddie---Common sense.
David---There's no talking to you.
Maddie---You can talk to me.
David---No I can't.
Maddie---Yes you can.
David---No I can't.
Maddie---Yes you can.
David---No I can't...And you want to know why I can't?
Maddie---I can barely stand the suspense.
David---Because of the way you look at things...you look at things as a woman first and then a person second.
Maddie---What does that mean?
David---I said what I meant...and I meant what I said. You don't look at the situation objectively...you don't look at the situation as an individual...you look at the situation as though somebody appointed you guardian for your damn sex.
Maddie---That's not true...and what do you mean "whole damn sex?"
David---See?
Maddie---Addison...for your information I think of myself as a individual first and a woman second...In that order.
David---You just keep telling yourself that and just maybe you'll talk yourself into it...
Maddie---And what does that mean?
David---You just accused a man of murder...of murder, Maddie...based on what? Based on the fact that he was a man!
Maddie---Addison...clearly he had more reason to kill him than she did.
David---Name one.
Maddie---Her! He wanted her. And he had to kill her husband to have her.
David---That's crazy. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
Maddie---What?
David---You heard me.
Maddie---You're an animal.
David---And you're a sexist.
Maddie---What?
David---A sexist. You know what a sexist is?
Maddie---Of course I know what a sexist is...I'm looking at one!!!

***

(the phone's ringing)
David---Men's room.
Maddie---I am not a sexist.
David---Not only are you a sexist...but you are the sexiest sexist it has ever been my good fortune to satirize.
Maddie---Satirize?
David---Satirize, scrutinize, fantasize... etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

***

Maddie---You know what hurts the most?
David---You get a pimple on the inside of your nose, then you get a cold and you gotta blow....
Maddie---That's what I mean!
David---And people say we're not alike.

***

Maddie---Addison, I can't work this way!
David---Why don't you try working standing up? I once read and article that said if your vertebrae...
Maddie---That's NOT what I mean!... Oh, David! David! David!
David---Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie...
Maddie---David, I need a business partner who's a mature adult.
David---Yeah, and?
Maddie---And you're not.
David---I'm not what?
Maddie---A mature adult!
David---Let me show you something. You see that! That's body hair, baby. You ask any gym teacher in America and he will tell you that's the first sign of maturity, and I got lot's of it, all over.
Maddie---Never mind!...You don't care about the business, you don't care about me, you don't care about anything...
David---Alright...Chill for a second will ya! In A Gada Da Vida, you are so serious!

***

Maddie---You are who you are and I am who I am... and the only solution is dissolution.
David---Wait a minute, dis-solution. What is that Brooklyn for "this solution."
Maddie---No, that's Maddie for "I can't go on this way!"

***

David---If it's maturity you want, maturity you will get. From now on I'm going to be a regular Lawrence Welk. Tie my shoes. Wear long pants...I may even take up the accordian.
Maddie---No, no, no, Mr. Addison. That is not what I meant by mature.
David---And what, praytell, do you mean by mature, Ms. Hayes?
Maddie---I mean that when we go out on a case, we conduct ourselves as though at the end of the fourth grade we got promoted and not left back.
David---What does that mean?
Maddie---No fast talking jive. None of that hip-hop slop you call English. I don't really care if bears bare or bees be.
David---Is that all?
Maddie---No, that's not all. We haven't even scratched the surface yet. I don't wanna hear any more of your lewd sexist remarks.
David---About you, or your whole gender?
Maddie---You don't have a chance.
David---What else?
Maddie---You'll set an example for the employees.
David---Again with the employees?...Maddie, I gotta tell ya...They love me.
Maddie---Of course they love you..they're underworked and overpayed and have Murray the K for a boss. Which reminds me...No more singing.
David---Say what?
Maddie---You heard me--one doo-wop and you lose.
David---WHOA!!! Hold the phone, hold the phone!!...Aren't we cutting it a little deep here..I believe now we're going beyond the perimeters of the bet!! Now we are getting into the essense of my personality.
Maddie---That's not personality...that's an affliction.

***

David---But if you're gonna stop me from singing, you're gonna have to raise the stakes.
Maddie---More money?
David---No...not money...Something that really matters.
Maddie---Keep dreaming, Addison.
David---Oohh...How childish and immature Ms. Hayes! Everything to you is sex, sex, sex...I'm after something that really matters.
Maddie---Like what?
David---Your dignity.
Maddie---Excuse me?
David---Limbo Maddie...C'mon, how low can you go?
Maddie---What are you talking about?
David---You know exactly what I'm talking about... You, out there, in front of the employees, God, and everybody.
Maddie---And what do I get?
David---What do you mean?
Maddie---When you lose, what do I get?
David---Moi.
Maddie---The whole thing, or just your head on a platter?

***

David---And if we're choosing which neck to risk it seems that my thick one is much more expendable than your... pretty long one.
Maddie---Save some of this. I'll use it to fertilize my lawn.

***

Maddie---You sang. You just stood there and sang.
David---Alright...Okay...I sang. What are you saying?
Maddie---You know what I'm saying
David---The bet?...You're talking about the bet? 'Cause if you are, that is not fair, Maddie. That is not fair. We had a definate mood going here. I was just...
Maddie---Singing.
David---You're something, you know that?...I don't know what, but you're something.
Maddie---You were singing.
David---I wa.....I was celebrating.
Maddie---It was more than a doo-wop. You snapped your fingers, wiggled your hips, you even closed your eyes like Ricky Nelson.
David---Ricky Nelson!! He's WHITE!!!!

***

David---Nap time is not what it used to be. That her? Hot damn, this is it! A red-letter day for irony lovers everywhere. I can see it now...."Addison Tells Hayes She's Late. Film at Eleven." Pinch me, this has to be a dream.

***

Maddie---Go away.
David---Go away?...Go away?...You show up for work three hours late and tell me to go away!
Maddie---Addison!
David---I know I've been late before, but three hours late!
(Maddie opens the door to knock him away from it, then slams it back closed)
But the door slamming, Maddie? Door slamming is a major faus pas office-behavior wise...Sets a bad example...Dangerous too. Last year, guy got mad, slammed our front door so hard, big ol' porcelain vase came down, konked him right on the noggin'...Hasn't been the same ever since. Damaged the old grey matter just bad enough to end up night manager in a convenient store.
(she slams the door open)
Maddie---What do you want??!!!
David---Whoa! It's a whole new you....Know how it is .....tired of the same ol' same ol'...had enough glamour for one lifetime.....ready to take a fashion risk. Gotta admit, the part about jumping in the septic tank has me stumped.
Maddie---I'm sorry if my appearance offends you, but I had to fix a flat tire this morning, by myself in the wind and the rain.
David---Not a good day to ask for a raise.
Maddie---I had to stand out there all morning and not one man stopped to help me.
David ---What did you expect looking like that?

***

Maddie---Can you actually stand there and honestly tell me that you have never needed a woman's help?
David---Hey!...Do math majors multiply? Do eggs get laid? Of course, I've needed a woman's help...Why jus the other morning...
Maddie---Addison...You sleep in a pen.
David---I don't know. Could be. The lights are always off.

***

Maddie---I don't think you are thinking clearly about this woman or about this case... No.
David---What does that mean?
Maddie---Do I have to draw you a picture?
David---You're jealous!
Maddie---Please.
David---You are jealous.
Maddie---Of what?... Of whom?
David---Of Gillian.
Maddie---Boy have you got it backwards. The only one around here who has an emotional problem is you... and the emotion isn't jealousy, it's lust!
David---Look me in the eye and tell me that if I hadn't know Gillian before you'd at least consider the possibility that her life may be in danger.
Maddie---Look me in the eye and tell me that if it were anyone else you'd be working just as hard to find a reason to stick so close.
David---You are! You're jealous.
Maddie---Stop reasoning with your underwear.
David---So you're not going to help me with this case?
Maddie---What case?...There is no case. She didn't hire us to go by her hotel room every night.
David---She didn't?
Maddie---No...She didn't.
David---Could've fooled me.
Maddie---A gnat with a lobotomy could fool you.

***

David---Listen you little green-eyed snake!
Maddie---Little green-eyed WHAT!?
David---There was one bullet that night, Maddie Hayes, and prior to it's insertion the guy was alive.
Maddie---There were two bullets... And he was dead.
David---One bullet. Alive.
Maddie---Two bullets, dead.
David---One bullet. Alive.
Maddie---Two bullets, dead!
David---Alive.
Maddie---Dead!
David---Alive.
Maddie---Dead!
David---Alive!
Maddie ---DEAD!

***

David---Women... Can't live with them, can't leave them by the curb when you're done with them.

***

Maddie---David, this is a hearse!!
David---Yeah, so?
Maddie---Nothing... Just always figured the first time I rode in one of these I would be on my back.
David ---Don't tempt me.

***

Maddie---David....!! There's a coffin back there!
David---You're kidding! A coffin in a hearse? Call Mike Wallace.
Maddie---Do you think there is a body in it?
David---What do you mean "Do I think there is a body in it,"... of course there's a body in it. You think these guys carry spares?

***

Maddie---I'm going to the museum...They're exhibiting a new Gaughin.
David---Gaughin? Oh, I heard of him...That's the guy who duked it out with Godzilla, right?
(Maddie gives him a LOOK)
David---I know who it is, he paints naked girls.
Maddie---Nudes.
David ---Nudes, right...Nakes have staples in them.

***

Maddie---I don't know why we're working together...We have nothing in common...You, your soul is vacant, you possess no sensitivity, no poetry.
David---How can you say that?
Maddie ---Watch carefully...YOU___HAVE___NO___POETRY!

***

Kathleen---I would like to hire ye...I'm being chased by a man and I want ye to protect me.
Maddie---Do you know who?
Kathleen---No.
David---Do you know why he's chasing you?
Kathleen---Oh indeed...I know that...He's after me pot of gold.
David---Pot of gold?
Kathleen---Yes, that's right.
Maddie---Excuse me?...I'm afraid I don't understand...just what do you mean by your pot of gold?
Kathleen---Oh, I'm sorry. I should have explained. Ye see...I'm a leprechaun.
Maddie---A leprechaun?
Kathleen---Ye are familiar with them, are ye not?
David---Oh sure...I did alot of reading on them...when I was seven.
Maddie ---Aren't you a little...tall?

***

David---(to Maddie)
Boy, are you a tough customer...I bet you didn't even clap your hands to save Tinkerbell.

***

Maddie---Addison, that woman is cuckoo.
David---Eccentric...You know what your problem is?...You soul is vacant, you have no sensitivity, you have no poetry...
Maddie---Stick it someplace, Addison!
David---Fairytales are poetry, fantasy is poetry, leprechauns is poetry...
Maddie---Okay, fine...Take it, take it, but you'll be taking it alone, because I'm not going to be a party to this!
David---Fine...Don't be a party to this.
Maddie---Don't worry, I won't.
David---Good.
Maddie---Good.
David---Fine.
Maddie---Fine.
David---Good!!
Maddie---Good!!! (then, to herself) I did too clap for Tinkerbell.

***

David---So, how did you happen to pick the Blue Moon Detective Agency? Was it the billboards, tv commercials, magazine ads?... (he looks right at Maddie)
The scratch-n-sniff was my idea.
Kathleen---Actually, it was the name.
David---Swallow me Lucky Charms!!
Kathleen---A blue moon is a sign of luck for leprechauns...Ye see, our magical powers work only at night.
David---Night, huh?...Mine too.
Maddie---That man belongs in a pound!
Dipesto---Pound of what?

***

Maddie---We made money! The first money we've made. Money we've made, that sounds so much nicer than money we spent or money we've lost.
David---It sure does. You are so beautiful when you get fiscal.
Maddie---Get your hand off my behind.
David---Is that your behind? Is that my hand? That's what I like about this place. You learn something new everyday.
Maddie---Would you get serious?
David---Maddie, I just had my hand on your behind, if I get any more serious they're gonna move us to cable.

***

David---For what it's worth, you don't look any worse for wear...Hair's combed...make-up's in place...no visible scars or contusions...Course, they only mark those hard-to-see places...You wouldn't happen to need someone to check those hard-to-see places...would you?

***

Maddie---A man I never met killed himself last night.
David---I know how you feel...a woman I've never met had sex with the basketball team last night...You're right, not the same thing.
Maddie---The police took me to his loft downtown...there were pictures of me everywhere...hundreds of them...Pictures of me modeling...pictures pf me from the society pages...pictures I don't even remember even being taken...My whole career, my whole life, was on that man's walls...It was so odd...everywhere he looked, everywhere he turned...he saw me...
David---No wonder he killed himself.

***

Maddie---Why do I bother? I'm talking to a man who thinks that love is something you pay twenty-five cents to see in a private booth!
David ---Private booth?..What are you talking about? ...This is the age of video.

***

Maddie---I spent the money.
David---You spent the money?...All of it?...Well, okay...It's your store...your money...What'd you get?
Maddie---Excuse me?
David---What'd you get?...I'm sure whatever you bought was for the good of the company...What'd you blow it on?...Stocks?...Bonds?...Elvis memorabilia?
Maddie---Well...I believe I made a sound and prudent investment...
David---In what?
Maddie---I invested it in........art.
David---Could you turn up the volume, please?
Maddie---Art.
David---Did you say "art"?
Maddie---Art.
David---Could you be more specific?
Maddie---I purchased a painting.
David---A painting?
Maddie---A painting...A painting I feel will increase in value over the years...
David---I see...A painting of what?
Maddie---Of...a thing.
David---Could you be more specific?
Maddie---A pretty thing.
David---An animal thing, a vegetable thing, or a mineral thing?
Maddie---Animal thing.
David---Little cat, big eyes?
Maddie---No...
David---A boy and his dog?
Maddie---What difference does it make?
David---A blonde and her vanity?
Maddie---It's my money, David...And I can do whatever I want to with it!
David---Let me get this straight...One of the most photographed women in the world goes out and spends the only money she ever made doing anything other than saying "Cheese" and buys...low and behold...another picture of herself!

***

David---Let's just hold it right there, shall we?...My client isn't answering any more of your questions.
Daroca---You can't jsut burst in here like that?
David---Oh yeah? Tell that to the writers...Besides, how would you like me to burst in?

***

David---Excuse me, but it's two-thirty in the morning and I'd like to know why my client is being held and why it isn't by me?

***

Maddie---Philip Wright died for me.
David---Yeah...Right...Lucky stiff.
Maddie---What's that supposed to mean?
David---Nothing...I was just thinking about us poor slobs who live for you.

***

David---Any idea what he's looking for?
Maddie---A clue.
David---Okay...Give me one.
Maddie---Give you "one" what?
David---A clue to what he's looking for.
Maddie---A clue.
David---I'm waiting.
Maddie---For what??!
David---To find out what the man is looking for!
Maddie---The man is looking for a clue. A clue, a clue, a clue!!!!!
David---Gezundheit.

***

David---(watching Maddie slide herself across the floor)
You slither great.

***

(Maddie and David covered in paint)
Maddie---Tell me one more time about the poor slobs who live for me.
David---You keep wearing that much make-up they're gonna lose interest.
(Maddie blows him a kiss)

***

David---'Nothin' nicer for a man than having his breakfast prepared by his squaw...
Maddie---Squaw?
David---Well, there is one thing nicer...Those ol' breakfast-eve festivities...You'll have to try my sausage and eggs one morning...Serve it right on the mattress.
Maddie---Breakfast on bed...How you....Sit.
David ---I'm good at "roll over", too.

****

David---What seems to be the problem?
Phil---That.
David---What about it?
Phil---What about it?...Smell it!...You want me to walk in it?...Stand in it?...Work in it?
David---The Rolodex is in there somewhere, Phil.
Phil---But's that's garbage.
David---No it's not. It's the honest to God truth, Phil.
Phil ---No. I mean...that's garbage...It's filled with things people have used and thrown away...filled with things people have eaten...filled with things people couldn't flush.

***

David---(answering the phone)
North Pole. Santa speaking...Sure I'm sure this is Santa...Who's this?...Ingrid?...How old are you Ingrid? Twenty-three? Really?...So tell me, Ingrid...You been good?...You been good alot?...You ever been great, Ingrid?...You kidding? Why do you think Santa's always so jolly?!....Whoo Ingrid...gotta go. Head Elf just walked in and she doesn't look happy...You got it. A week from tonight. I'll be the one in red.

***

David---(the phone rings again)
Excuse me....North Pole. Santa speaking. Oh...well...one second...(looking at Maddie)...He wants to speak to you.
Maddie ---To me?...Hello....No, this is not Mrs. Clause!!

***

Maddie---Just when I think you've sunk as low as you can go, you find a basement door.
David---Check me here, but you seem a trifle disturbed.
Maddie---You have the morals of a rabbit..the character of a slug...the brains of a platapus...
David---You're making me blush...
Maddie---How a man can stoop to making a profit off of Christmas...
David---It's easy. You call the phone company...take out ads...I had the whole thing cranking in an hour and a half...
Maddie---Uhhhhh!!...I just want to scrap you off the bottom of my shoe!!

***

David---Don't you at least owe her the courtesy of listening to her story.
Maddie---I don't owe her a thing.
David---A lady named Mary married to a guy named Joseph...aren't you just a little curious?...What are you doing?
Maddie---I'm doing what I...
Maddie and David---...should have done all along.
Maddie---What I wanted to...
Maddie and David---...do originally...
Maddie---What I should have done...
Maddie and David---...last night!....Stop that David!!!...I'm calling the police David!!!...Hello? Police?
Maddie---I hate you!
David---You love me..

***

David---No plans on a Friday night? The day people get paid. The night people get what rhymes with paid? The first day of the rest of your weekend?
Maddie---It happens.
David ---Really? To you? Is Ripley aware of this?

***

David---How 'bout this? No pressure...We go over to your house. We take off all our clothes. We get a couple cans of 90 wt. motor oil...rub it all over ourselves---see what we feel like doing.
(Maddie leers at him)
David ---It doesn't have to be 90 wt.

***

Maddie---David, do you think he's planning on marrying them both?
David---That would make him the biggest bigamist in bigamy history. (Looking into the camera) Try saying that fast three times.

***

Maddie---When did you figure all that out?
David---During the commercial.

***

Maddie---David, do you realize what we just did?
David---Found the climax?
Maddie---At the same time.
David---Should we have a cigarette now?

***

Maddie---Get me OFF this man!
David---What are you so upset about? He's not even married yet?

***

Dipesto---Blue Moon Detective Agency....If you're in trouble, if you're in a jam, don't tell me, I don't give a damn.

***

***

David---What about this banquet?...I don't want to go.
Maddie---We're going...it's very important.
David ---Important for what?...Okay, it will give us a chance to fight in public, but what else?

***

David---The only thing that could liven up this shindig is a strip search demonstration with you as a volunteer.
Maddie---Addison!.....Thank you...I think.

***

Maddie---David, you've just given me a wonderful idea!
David---That strip search thing? I got a million of them...How do you feel about barnyard animals?

***

Maddie---Miss Dipesto met a man at the banquet last night.
David---No kidding?...Facial hair and everything?...That explains the smile.
Maddie---The smile?
David---You should try it sometime...Perfect cure for UMS.
Dipesto---UMS?
David ---Urgently missing sex.

***

David---Let me tell you something, Madelyn Hayes...Those lines on your face, those little crows feet around your eyes, that silly little centimeter your caboose has dropped in the past decade...
Maddie---Is this something you rehearsed at?
David---...that's just nature's way of telling you you've got nine holes left to play, and why not enjoy 'em.
Maddie---Boy, I can't wait until it's your birthday.
David---Forty-seven days, thirteen hours, fifty-one minutes...roughly.
Maddie---Darn, I was planning on grouting my tile that day.
David---I understand completely.
Maddie---Good...Then understand this...I don't give a flying fig about the lines on my face, the crow's feet by my eyes, or the altitude of my caboose...
David---Hey, that's ok...that's what you've got me for.
Maddie---...And I don't give a flying fig about people who do.
David---Well, I'm at a loss...I don't know what a flying fig is?
Maddie ---That's okay...(looks at the camera)...They do.

***

David---Humor me...Blow out your candles.
Maddie---David, we're in a mortuary.
David---Exactly, who are you gonna offend?
Maddie---Why don't you blow them out yourself?!
David---No way...Gotta save my strength for your wish.

***

Maddie---Wipe that stupid grin off your face.
David---This happens to be the smartest grin I own.
Maddie---And don't get any ideas.
David---Don't need to...brought plenty of them with me.

***

Maddie---I suppose you have a better idea.
David---It just so happens, I do.
Maddie---I'm all ears.
David---Not from where I'm sitting.

***

Maddie--- I wouldn't want you losing any more sleep over me.
David---Believe me, if and when, I ever find myself over you, the last thing I'll be thinking about is sleeping.

***

(David comes in dressed as a priest)
Dipesto---Mr. Addison...I had no idea.
David---We've known that for a while, Miss Dipesto...Miss Hayes in her office?
Dipesto---Want me to buzz her?
David---If anybody's gonna buzz Miss Hayes, it's gonna be me.

***

Maddie---David, what happened to you?
David---Solved the Pagano divorce case, that's what happened to me.
Maddie---My goodness...Did you catch him in the act?
David---Better...Got his confession in confession...Let me tell you, we are talking a hundred Hail Mary's, here. This guy was doing more banging than a screen door in a cyclone.
Maddie---(looking at his black eye) Looks like he did a little banging on you.

***

Maddie---I've got a problem.
David---Don't look at me...I wasn't even in town that month.

***

David---You're gonna follow your own father?! Yuuuuck!
Maddie---What do you mean yuuuuuck?
David---I mean yuck...You can't do that.
Maddie---Why?
David---Why? Why? I don't know why...It's weird. It's oedipal.
Maddie---It can't be oedipal, I'm a girl.
David ---Alright then...Oedipi?

***

(Maddie is going to follow her father to prove to her mother that he's not cheating)
David---That doesn't mean you have to do it...Hire somebody, hell, let me do it!
Maddie---You?
David---Allow me to intoduce myself...I'm David Addison. I'd like to be your detective.
Maddie---Well...I mean..It's a personal thing.
David---It's not like you're sending me out to buy your underwear...I do this for a living.
Maddie---Well...that's nice of you.
David---I have my moments. (then) You have a preference on the pictures?
Maddie---Excuse me?
David---Color? Black and white? Smooth? Satin finish?
Maddie---You just couldn't let it be nice, could you?
David---What can I say?
Maddie---In English, not much.
David---You're still welcome.
Maddie ---You're still thanked.

***

Maddie---I waited for you as long as I could.
David---Miss me?
Maddie---Sure...Your name again?...So?
David---So.
Maddie---So, say something.
David---Well, I think your father is a really good guy, you know?
Maddie---What does that mean?
David---It means, I think your father is a good man.
Maddie---And what does that mean?
David---It means what it means.
Maddie---Look me in the eye and tell me you followed my father all day.
David---I did it, Maddie.
Maddie---And?
David---I'm sorry.

***

David---That's long enough.
Maddie---Long enough?
David---You have been sitting in here since eleven-thirty this morning...What do you say you and I go out, eat too much, drink too much, get a little stupid.
Maddie---My parents plane landed twenty minutes ago.
David---It did?
Maddie---I called the airline...They got in fine, just fine.
David---That's great...and everything's okay?
Maddie---As okay as it can be.
David---Well then, I guess we can forget about Plan B.
Maddie---Plan B?
David---Plan B.
Maddie---And what, praytell, is Plan B?
David---I saw all the trouble you were having with your parents...
Maddie---And?
David---And...I was thinking of adopting you.
Maddie---Adopting me?
David---Adopting you...Yeah, it would be great...I could bounce you on my knee...
Maddie---Really?
David---Tell you stories at bedtime...
Maddie---Uh-huh...Would I have my own room?
David---Kids today! It's always gimme, gimme, gimme.

***

David---(comes out of his office bathroom wearing boxer shorts with red hearts all over them)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...You're saying you already made up your mind?
(then, he notices Maddie staring at them)
You like 'em? I was thinking about getting a pair with pockets.
Maddie---I don't know why I came in here....
David---Wait a second...You came in here to talk to me...and I think we should talk about it...Now.
Maddie---I'm sorry, but I can't have a serious conversation with a man dressed in those!
David---Want me to slip 'em off?

***

David---I'm talking to you.
Maddie---No, you're trying to talk to me, but I have no interest in talking to you and since I'm the boss, that presents a problem.
David---What?
Maddie---Boss! Remember that word. That's what I am...I own this place...and you know what that means? That means I get to decide what gets done around here and how it gets done around here.
David---Oh, really?
Maddie---Yes, really. Haven't been doing that for a while...Been letting you charm me into things for a couple of months...but that's changing. I'm making the decisions now and you know what I've decided?
David---Um...Give me a clue?
Maddie---I don't appreciate your cavalier attitude toward your appearance in my place of business.
David---Oh, you don't?
Maddie---No, I don't. You know, there's an old expression, "You don't dress for who you are, You dress for who you wanna be"...Do you really wanna be Soupy Sales?

***

Maddie---What this man wants to do is euthanasia!..Euthanasia!...Do you know what that is?
David---It's some charity for kids in Vietnam, right?

***

(after their first kiss)
Maddie---What was that?
David---Um...What was what?
Maddie---That, that...Weren't you here?...What we just did, what was that?
David---I don't know...I didn't do it...You tell me, what was that?
Maddie---What do you mean, "You tell me?"...It wasn't me, it was you.
David---I didn't do it, you did it.
Maddie---I did not do it!
David---Well, I did not do it.
Maddie---Well, if you didn't do it and I didn't do it, I guess it...
David and Maddie---Didn't happen! 

***

David---We're on the same wavelength, you and I...We communicate...
Maddie---We what?
David---Don't be funny...It doesn't become you.

***

Maddie---I had no idea.
David---That's ok. I got lots of 'em...I'll loan you one.

***

Maddie---We've been together a year...You've worked hard...The truth is I think you are entitled to more compensation.
David ---Not to mention money.

***

David---For what it's worth, I don't want a raise.
Maddie---What?
David---You can just pay me commission on my cases...I'll probably make more money that way.
Maddie---You think so?
David---Yes, I think so.
Maddie---Well, let me remind you, Mr. Addison, that one case does not a detective make.
David---Well, let me remind you, Miss Hayes, I hate it when you talk backwards!
Maddie---Fine.
David---Fine.
Maddie---Good.
David ---Good. 

***

Maddie---Is there anyway we could talk?
David---What if we use our mouths and tongues?

***

Maddie---You, are eye crust!!
David---The better to see you with, my dear.
Maddie---You, are navel lint!
David---Expensive navel lint.
Maddie---You are.....
David ---Don't go much lower, they'll take us off the air.

***

Maddie---Twelve hundred dollars??!! Twelve hundred dollars!!
David---Keep your voice down! That figure leaks out, this place is gonna be crawling with women!
Maddie---I would rather go to this wedding alone than pay you or any other man twelve hundred dollars!

***

(outside and adult bookstore)
Maddie---I'm not going in there.
David---Maddie, it will be fine...Just keep your hands in your pockets and for God's sake, don't sit on anything that has been sat on before.

***

David---She makes me come here, I hate this place!

***

Maddie---Oh my goodness!
David---Oh my badness!
Maddie---Look at this stuff...I don't even know what some of this stuff is for.
David---Oh well, that.....Beats me.

***

David---One for the money, two for the glitz, three to get ready, now lets see some...
Maddie---David!!!
David---...something...Let's see something.

***

Maddie---Get off of me!!!
David---Just my luck. Finally got you prone, and I'm facing the wrong way.

***

David---You took the words right outta my mouth.
Maddie ---Open up. I'll put 'em back.

***

Maddie---Oh...I stand corrected.
David ---No, you stand terrific.

***

Dipesto---Miss Gas!! There's a hayes in the building!
Maddie---Hayes in the building?
Dipesto---Yes, Miss Gas! A hayes leak! They think the building mught blow up! Don't panic!!!
Maddie ---I'll try not to.

***

David---(to Maddie)
Stick that chest out, soldier!...Well...It's already way out. Belay that...For that matter, would you be LAY me?

***