(...) people didn't seem to be able to remember what it was like with the elves around. Life was certainly more interesting then, but usually because it was shorter. And it was more colourful, if you liked the colour of blood.

***

Elves are wonderful. They provoke wonder.
Elves are marvellous. They cause marvels.
Elves are fantastic. They create fantasies.
Elves are glamorous. They project glamour.
Elves are enchanting. They weave enchantment.
Elves are terrific. They beget terror.

***

Nanny Ogg never did any housework herself, but she was the cause of housework in other people.

***

No matter what she did with her hair it took about three minutes for it to tangle itself up again, like a garden hosepipe in a shed [Footnote: Which, no matter how carefully coiled, will always uncoil overnight and tie the lawnmower to the bicycles].

***

Nanny Ogg gave this the same consideration as would a nuclear physicist who'd just been told that someone was banging two bits of sub-critical uranium together to keep warm.

***

And Mustrum Ridcully, the current Archchancellor, liked to wander around the sleepy buildings, nodding to the servants and leaving little notes for his subordinates, usually designed for no other purpose than to make it absolutely clear that he was up and attending to the business of the day while they were still fast asleep.

***

Ridcully never wasted time on small talk. It was always large talk or nothing.

***

"I mean it's ridiculous! My family have never gone bald, except for one of my aunts!"

***

Mustrum Ridcully did a lot for rare species. For one thing, he kept them rare.

***

"We taught her everything she knows," said Granny Weatherwax.
"Yeah," said Nanny Ogg, as they disappeared into the bracken."D'you think ... maybe...?"
"What?"
"D'you think maybe we ought to have taught her everything we know?"
"It'd take too long."

***

Ridcully rubbed his beard. In fact he quite liked the Librarian, who never argued with him and always kept himself in shape, even if that shape was a pear shape. It was the right shape for an orang-utan.

***

Using a metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a red flag to a bu-- was like putting something very annoying in front of someone who was annoyed by it.

***

"Poets always get it wrong. 'S'like 'She had lips like cherries'. Small, round and got a stone in the middle? Hah!"

***

Nanny Ogg looked under her bed in case there was a man there. Well, you never knew your luck.

***

Over short distances a determined human can outrun a horse, because they've only got half as many legs to sort out.

***

It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence.
There had been plenty of singers whose high notes could smash a glass, but Nanny's high C could clean it.

***

"Any relation to Sobriety Ogg?"
"He was my dad, sir."
"Good grief. Old Sobriety's son? How is the old devil?"
"Dunno, sir, what with him being dead."
"Oh dear. How long ago?"
"These past thirty years," said Shawn.
"But you don't look any older than twen--" Ponder began. Ridcully elbowed him sharply in the ribcage.
"This is the countryside," he hissed."People do things differently here. And more often."

***

"Our stars are entwined," said Casanunda."We're fated for one another. I wants your body, Mrs. Ogg."
"I'm still using it."

***

Archchancellor: "That really is you, isn't it?"
Granny Weatherwax: "It's really me."
Archchancellor: "You haven't changed a bit, Esme."
Granny Weatherwax: "Nor have you, then. You're still a rotten liar, Minstrum Ridcully."

***

"Do you ever wonder what life would have been like if you'd said yes?" said Ridcully.
"No."
"I suppose we'd have settled down, had children, grandchildren, that sort of thing..."
"What about the fire?" she said.
"What fire?"
"Swept through our house just after we were married. Killed us both."
"What fire? I don't know anything about any fire?"
Granny turned around.
"Of course not! It didn't happen. But the point is, it might have happened. You can't say 'if this didn't happen then that would have happened' because you don't know everything that might have happened. You might think something'd be good, but for all you know it could have turned out horrible."

***

"What's the hurry?"
"Got important things to do," said Granny, without turning around."Been letting everyone down."
"Some people might say this is important."
"No. It's just personal. Personal's not the same as important. People just think it is."

***

"You're falling for it too," said Granny."All that dreamy-weamy, eyes-across-a-crowded-room stuff. Can't imagine how you keep your job as head wizard."
"Mainly by checking my bed carefully and makin' sure someone else has already had a slice of whatever it is I'm eating," said Ridcully, with disarming honesty.

***

Greebo had spent an irritating two minutes in that box. Technically, a cat locked in a box may be alive or it may be dead. You never know until you look. In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.

***

It's not enough to be able to pick up a sword. You have to know which end to poke into the enemy.

***

The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.

***

"Is that all? It's just an old burial mound."
"Three old burial mounds," said Nanny.
Casanunda took in the overgrown landscape.
"Yes, I see them," he said."Two round ones and a long one. Well?"
"The first time I saw 'em from the air," said Nanny,"I nearly fell off the bloody broomstick for laughin."

***

"Act your age, Gytha."
"Act? Don't have to act, can do it automatic," said Nanny."Acting half my age ... now that's the difficult trick."

***

And the child had a permanently runny nose and ought to be provided with a handkerchief or, failing that, a cork.

***

Chain-mail isn't much defence against an arrow. It certainly isn't when the arrow is being aimed between your eyes.

***

"And if you don't tell me everything you know right now I'll make you regret the day I was born."

***