1. Bezplatno Chukane [12.01.99; Venelin Voikov]
2. Mecho Puh i Prascho [13.01.99; Venko Ivanov]
3. Before Viagra [13.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
4. God's Army [14.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
5. Professions [14.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
6. Peanuts [14.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
7. Correspondence [15.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
8. Aces High [15.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
9. Golf Instructions [15.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
10. Elephant Dick [16.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
11. Pink Suit Sale [19.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
12. Nqkolko Vica [20.01.99; Venko Ivanov]
13. Elevator [20.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
14. Winter Blues [20.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
15. You and YourComputer [23.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
16. Two Young Guys [20.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
17. Sex Maniac [23.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
18. Nikogda [24.01.99; Venko Ivanov]
19. Nqkolko Vica [25.01.99; Ata Ivanov]
20. Large Size Condoms [25.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
21. Nqkolko vica [25.01.99; Ata Ivanov]
22. Some Quotes [26.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
23. Shoe Size [26.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
24. Wheelchair [26.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
25. Salary Theorem [26.01.99; Lazar Ivanov]
26. Riddle [26.01.99; Milen Lazarov]
27. Mothers [26.01.99; Milen Lazarov]
28. Painter [27.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
29. A Boy and a Priest [27.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
30. Tendjewberrymud [27.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
31. Proxy Fathers [27.01.99; Nikolai Nikolov]
32. Sex Phone [28.01.99; Mitko Mitev]
33. Creation of Adam [28.01.99; Radostina Georgieva]
34. Toy Train [29.01.99; Nasko Aladjov]

Bezplatno Chukane

Dvama vijdat na benzinostancia tabela.
'Ako napalnite cial rezervoar uchastvate v igrata "BEZPLATNO CHUKANE''...
spirat palniat i benzinjiata im vika..' Namislete si chislo ot 1 do 10...
5 vika edinia. 'ne pozna..' vika benzinjiata..
Karat si te natataka i edinia vika.. 'Znaesh li che tova mai e naglasacia..'
Ne - vika drugia - ne e.
Ot kade si siguren - vika parvia
Ami jena mi minalata sedmica pecheli 2 pati..

Mecho Puh i Prascho

Mecho Puh pita Prascho:
- Slushaj bratle, ti kato porasnesh kakyv shte stanesh?
- De da znam. Shto, horoskop li chete?
- Ne, gotvarska kniga...

Before Viagra

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist ?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."

God's Army

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

Professions

* An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
* An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
* A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
* An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
* A statistician is someone who is good with numbers, but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
* An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
* A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
* A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
* A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
* A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

Peanuts

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said:
"That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

Correspondence

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

***

Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

Aces High

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensecola skipping boot camp.
The very first day at Pensecola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.
Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make one velly impoltant mistake!"

Golf Instructions

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says
"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping theclub way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway about 15 feet.
"That was great," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!"

Elephant Dick

Jack went to a urologist and told the doctor that he was having a problem. "Well, doctor. I am having trouble gaining and keeping an erection, but I never had any trouble before I got very sick a while ago."

After a complete exam the doctor determined that the muscles around the base of his manhood were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was little or nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if Jack were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk to replace the damaged tissue. Jack thought about it for a while. He was a young man, and the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, Jack decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his young wife and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly and immediately his equipment sprung from his pants, rose to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His wife was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said,
"Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"
Jack, with his eyes watering, replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure I can fit another roll up my ass."

Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Nqkolko Vica

Edin chovek pochval rabota v nova kompania. Prezidentkata na kompaniata mu raziasniva kakyv e etiketa v kompaniata:
- Vizte kakvo, tuk vsichki se obryshtame po familii. Jones, Baker, Smit, Brown. Sega, kazete mi imeto si?
- John Mili.
- Vizte kakvo John, do kyde biahme stignali s vashite sluzebni zadylzenia

***

Vyzrastna babichka vliza v avtobus. Edno momichence stava, a babichkata nezno si slaga rykata na ramoto mu i kazva:
- Stoj milichka, stoj.
Na sledvashtata spirka momichenceto pak ponechilo da stane, no babichkata ne bila nikak izmorena i pak mu kazala:
- Stoj si na miastoto dobro dete.
Sled 5-6 spirki momichenceto izplakalo:
- Babo, koga moga da sliaza, veche 4-5 spirki propusnah?

***

Ivan i Petyr pikajat na pisoari v obshtestvena toaletna. Po edno vreme Petyr poglezda Ivan i shto da vidi. Onaja mu rabota kato vint.
- Abe Ivane, shto ti e kato vint onaia rabota?
- Ami ne znam, vinagi si e bila taka.
- Aha.
Sled malko Petyr trysnal da izcedi i Ivan popital:
- A sega shto trysna?
- Ami da ne ostane kapka v gashtite.
- Hm, interesen sposob. Az vinagi iztiskvam.

Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Winter Blues

Degrees (Fahrenheit)/Activity

60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 - You can see your breath;
Californians shiver uncontrollably;
Minnesotans go swimming
35 - Italian cars don't start
32 - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia
25 - Ohio water freezes;
Californians weep pitiably;
Minnesotans eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless;
New York City water freezes;
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 - French cars don't start;
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts
-10 - German cars don't start;
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo;
Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects;
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you;
Politicians actually do something about the homeless;
Minnesotans shovel snow off roof;
Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think;
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two week hot bath;
Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear;
Minnesotans button top button;
Canadians put on sweaters;
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes;
Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over;
Polar bears move South;
Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

You and Your Computer

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to netscape before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

Two young guys

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said,
"You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...
     _
  /      \
 |        | O
  \  _  /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)
        __
     /      \
O  |       | 
     \  __ /
I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."

Sex Maniac

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"

Nikogda

1. Никогда не говорите при женщинах, дескать, незаменимых у нас нет. В противном случае вам найдут замену, и при этом вам ничего не скажут.
2. Никогда не говорите женщине, как она хорошо сегодня выглядит по телефону.
3. Никогда не обманывайте женщин по мелочам. Берегите силы на главное.
4. Если у Вас есть что-нибудь лишнее, никогда не выбрасывайте. Подарите это женщине. Пусть сама выбрасывает.
5. Никогда не спрашивайте ее мнения по какому-либо вопросу. Все равно она его Вам выскажет. Причем не один раз, и при чем всегда разные.
6. Старайтесь избегать неожиданностей, помните лучший сюрприз для женщины это то, о чем Вы рассказали ей месяц назад, и напоминали после этого каждый день.
7. Категорически никогда, не давайте женщине повод подумать, что Вы в состоянии вымыть посуду.
8. Никогда не называете женщину именем своего лучшего друга.
9. Не стоит посылать женщину за пивом.
10. Никогда не приводите женщине логических аргументов, помните, в этом случае Вы выглядите в ее глазах полным идиотом.
11. Не говорите женщинам двусмысленных комплиментов. Она обязательно воспримет не тот смысл какой Вы хотите.
12. Будьте бдительны - женщина как сигарета, стоит раз попробовать и все. С единственной разницей, что сигарету бросил и забыл, а женщина может вернуться.
13. Никогда не говорите женщине, что она лучшая из всего Вами увиденного. Она ведь может и поверить.
14. Никогда не объясняй женщине, за что ты ее любишь. Она все равно тебя не поймет.
15. И, наконец, помни - женщин много, а ты один.

Nqkolko Vica

Ловец разказва на приятели: "Виждам аз една стръвница, стрелям, обаче не улучих, стрелям и с втората цев, но пак не улучих. Тогава дойде мечката и ми проговори:
-Или ще те ям или ще те таковам!
Приятелите: И какво стана?
-Изяде ме, майка и стара!

***

Синът пита баща си:
-Тате защо баба, бяга на зигзаг?
-За теб баба сине, за мен тъща, дай другия пълнител!

***

Бармана на сервитьора:
- Ей, престани да изхвърляш пияните посетители, не забравяй, че работиш във вагон-ресторант!

***

Купува си един селянин млад и хубав петел. Пуска го в курника при кокошките, където е и стария петел-титуляр.
Започва спор между двата петела за това кой ще оправя кокошките. Стига се до бой, но стария петел казава:
- Дай да решим проблема цивилизовано без да се бием. Ще се надбягваме. Който направи първи 10 обиколки на курника печели всички кокошки.
Съгласил се новака и тръгнали да бягат.
Стопанинът като чул гюролтия излезнал и какво да види: Стария петел бяга, а новият го гони. Вдигнал пушката и гръмнал младока:
- Вече десети петел купувам за един месец и всичките хомосексуалисти излязоха !!!

Large Size Condoms

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

Nqkolko vica

Чапай и Петка ще заминават на пътуване с кораб. Чапай казва:
- Петка, ти знаеш ли, че когато пътуваш с кораб може да те хване Морска Болест, а освен това на кораба има много жени. Затова бягай до аптеката и купи хапчета против повръщане и презервативи.
Връща се Петка с една опаковка хапчета и една опаковка презервативи. Чапай го поглежда и казва:
- Петка! Ти болен ли си!!! Знаеш ли колко трае едно пътешествие с кораб? Бягай за още!
Петка се връща с по две опаковки от двете. Чапаъ пак:
- ПЕТКА!!! Това е цял месец бе, ще има да се люлеем и да драйфаме, а и жени, жени. Иди купи още.
Петка се връща в аптеката и поръчва на аптекарката:
- Един кашон хапчета против повръщане и един кашон презервативи!
Продавачката му отговаря:
- Абе, момчета, щом толкова ви се повръща от тая, защо продължавате да я ебете???

***

Две мутри си ходели по Витошка и видяли едно куче да си лиже топките.
- Иска ми се и на мен да можех така - Казала първата.
- Ако го погалиш по главата, може и да ти разреши.

Some Quotes

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." --Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle" --Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes." --Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker
"You guys line up alphabetically by height" --Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school." --Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements
"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class" --George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." --Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." --Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

Shoe Size

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

Wheelchair

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home.
So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls down three times. When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times.
They ring the bell, and one says, "Here's your husband!"
The man's wife says, "Where the hell is his wheelchair?"

Salary Theorem

The "Salary Theorem" states that:
"Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since: Knowledge = Power and Time = Money,
it is therefore true that:
Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving this equation for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Riddle

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth.
One is walking a tightrope.
The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman.
Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.
What is it?
Don't look down.

Mothers

Three women are sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. All three are very pregnant and busy knitting baby clothes. The first woman stops knitting and reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them.
"Must have my vitamins," she says, "healthy pills for a healthy baby."
They all continue knitting for a while when the second woman stops, reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them.
"Must have my vitamins," she says, "healthy pills for a healthy baby."
They all continue knitting again, when the third woman stops, reaches into her handbag, pulls out a handful of pills and swallows them.
"Healthy pills for a healthy baby?" the first two women ask?
"No," she replies, "Thalidomide, I can't knit sleeves."

Painter

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"
"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."
"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."
It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again.
"All finished!" he reported with a smile.
"Did you do a good job?" she asked.
"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes!"

A Boy and a Priest

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Tendjewberrymud

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated best email of 1997. A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...
Room Service : "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine"
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

Proxy Fathers

The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father; a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell...
Ms Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to....."
Ms Smith: "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, especially twins."
Ms Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Ms Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it."
Ms Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Ms Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Ms Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Ms Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Ms Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Ms Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Ms Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Ms Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Ms Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Ms Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Ms Smith?...Ms Smith?...My word, she's fainted!?"

Phone Sex

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

Creation of Adam

God says to Adam,
"I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."
God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

Toy Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son play with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said,
" All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now because we're leaving."
The mother went into the living room and told her son, " We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains.
The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
"For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip."
"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."