1. Useless Facts [01.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
2. Wash Room [02.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
3. Nasty [06.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
4. Egipet [08.02.99; Dimitar Kenarov]
5. Sherlock Holmes [08.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
6. Stihcheta [11.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
7. Chinese Tortures [11.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
8. Emoticons [11.02.99; Nasko Aladjov]
9. Confessional Box [13.02.99; Venko Ivanov]
10. Samouk Sym... [14.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
11. Marriage [14.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
12. Tuxedo [15.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
13. Perfect Man and Perfect Woman [15.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
14. Lovely Orlando, Florida [17.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
15. Chelen opit... [18.02.99; Milen Lazarov]
16. Married Life [18.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
17. The Man and the Pope [18.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
18. Lines [19.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
19. Bu, Fu and Chu [20.02.99; Venko Ivanov]
20. Starost Neradost [20.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
21. Daughters [20.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
22. King Solomon [23.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
23. Goat [24.02.99; Venko Ivanov]
24. Statistika [25.02.99; Ata Ivanov]
25. Crime Busters [25.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
26. Pena i Vute [26.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
27. Male and Female Stages of Life [26.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
28. Martians [26.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
29. International Woman Conference [26.02.99; Lazar Ivanov]
30. Blonde Joke [26.02.99; Nasko Aladjov]
31. Nqkolko Vica [27.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
32. Useless Inventions [27.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
33. Taxi Driver [27.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
34. The End of the Earth [27.02.99; Nikolai Nikolov]
35. Photographer [28.02.99; Mitko Mitev]
36. English Language [28.02.99; Radostina Georgieva]
37. Blond Jokes [29.02.99; Nasko Aladjov]

Useless Facts

Did you know that?-----

* If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
* If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
* The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
* Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
* Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
* On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
* The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
* You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
* Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
* Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
* Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
* Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
* In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
* A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
* Polar bears are left handed.
* The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
* The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
* The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
* Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
* Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (thankfully)
* A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
* Starfishes haven`t got brains.

Wash Room

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters.
He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out,
"What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for utomatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

Nasty

Son: "Daddy, what does a vagina look like?"
Father: "Well son, it's like a very pretty, delicate flower that
must be plucked very gently."
Son: "Well what does it look like after you pluck it?"
Father: "Like a bulldog with a mouthful of mayonnaise."

Egypt

Drevnia Egipet. Chas po prawopis. Uchitelkata diktuwa:
-Faraonyt Ramzes II e naj-myzestwen sred wsichki...
Edno ot decata wdiga ryka:
-Drugarko, kak se pishe prewyzhodnata stepen - s dwa ili s tri tashaka?

Sherlock Holmes

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

Stihcheta

A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say,
"I'm really hungry and thirsty too. It was freakin' freezing in the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food and drink.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.
They both think for a while when the guy says,
"Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

Chinese Tortures

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.
'"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly",' the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man'".
"OK,", said the man, and entered the house.
Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.
He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 1....Large rock on chest.".
Well, that's pretty crappy,' he thought. 'If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he, jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3....Right testicle tied to bed post."

Emoticons

Some light relief from the U.S. of A. :-
We all know those little computer symbols called "emoticons," where : ) means a smile and : ( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass

..ooo*"""**ooooo .oo*""*ooo..
. oo*" "*o.oo*" "*o.
. o " 'o" "o
o o *o
.o o 'o
o o o.
o o o
o \o/ o
o --(O)-- o
o. /o\ o
"o o o'"
oo o oo
oo. oo oo
'ooo. .oo. ooo
o ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,,..oo"o
o. """""" oo """"" .o
'o oo o'
o oo o
'o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

You have been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next
hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail.
Happy e-mooning!!! Have a nice day.

Confessional Box

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and wanders over to the confessional box. He opens the door, sits down and says nothing. The bewildered priest waits for a few minutes, allowing the drunken man some time to collect his thoughts. Growing impatient, the priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Samouk Sym...

W legloto:
-Skypi, strahoten si! Kyde si se nauchil da go prawish tolkowa dobre?
-Ami... samouk sym...

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

***

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

***

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

***

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". The next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

***

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

***

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

***

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

***

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

***

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

***

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

***

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

***

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it."

***

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

***

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

***

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

***

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

***

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid." The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh yeah??? Well, if you'd learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."

***

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

***

According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

***

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

***

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

***

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

***

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

***

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

***

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Tuxedo

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "You said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

Perfect Man and Perfect Woman

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?


The perfect woman. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women, stop reading here. Men, keep reading.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving.
This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings another point: women never listen either.

Lovely Orlando, Florida

On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJs ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"?
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married or what Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you are married? or what? Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First name only please Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work Brian?
Brian: She's gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is going to kill me.
DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here, man.
Brian: About 8 O'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that
if it there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it'd be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where were you when you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.
DJ: This sounds good Brian where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us
for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times
I did it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his
wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
Advertisements)
J: (to audience) We're back; let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a
couple of hours now
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He's also on the line with us. Brian knows not
to give away any answers or you lose. Soooooooo, do you know the
rules of "Mate Match"?
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you 3 questions and if you
answer exactly what Brian did, then the 2 of you are off to Orlando,
Florida at our expense. This includes tickets to Disney World, Sea
World and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. ... Get it Sara?
SARA! GET IT? Orlando Magic, Sara. NBA Sara. They are on strike
Sara helloooooo anyone home?!?!
Sara: (laughing hard) YES, yes.
Brian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian... this morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8 I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12-15 minutes maybe.
DJ: hhmmmm Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I'm sure
she's trying not to harm his pride.
DJ: Well, we'll give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You didn't tell them did you?!
Brian: Just tell him, honey.
DJ: What's bothering you so much, Sara?
Sara: Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and--
DJ: SHE SAW?!
Sara: BRIAN?!
Brian: NO, no, I didn't.
DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord..I can't believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go Sara we ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: Okay ... In the ass.
(long pause)
DJ: We'll be right back.
(advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these
things happen. Anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

Chelen Opit

Our office discussions somehow turned to charging hookers on your corporate card (I claim innocence). The obvious problem is getting the expense account cleared with "Hooker" as a line item. We noticed through repeated arduous trials that the local strip club (the French Maid) shows up as "French Restaurant," and decided hookers would do the same thing. But what would they discretely call themselves?
"Laptop servicing," of course.

Married Life

Two older women were discussing their sex lives.
Marge was just beside herself. Her sex life was just awful! Her husband just didn't seem interested anymore.
Her friend was quick to say that her sex life was just wonderful. She said that every day before her husband gets home from work she takes a shower. Then she lies naked on the bed with her legs spread open. When he walks into the room and sees her lying there it is just too much for him to resist. Works every time.
Marge decided to try this. So the next day prior to her husband returning home she takes a shower. When she hears him come into the house she runs to the bedroom.
She lies on the bed naked with her legs spread wide apart and waits. Her husband walks into the room, takes one look at her and says...
" Dammit Marge, would you comb your hair and put your teeth in. You're starting to look like an asshole"!

The Man and the Pope

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.".
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.".
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind.
"My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."
The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

Lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

Bu, Fu and Chu

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck."
Chu called himself "Chuck."
Fu decided to return to China.

Starost Neradost

Diado i baba si spomniat mladinite:
- Diado, sponmiash li si kak me pregyrna za pyrvi pyt?
Diadoto se priblizil i nezno pregyrnal babata.
- A kak me celuna za pyrvi pyt?
Diadoto nezno celunal babata.
- A ka me grizna po ushenceto?
Diadoto stanal i huknal naniakyde.
- Diado, kyde be?
- Za chejneto otivam, za chejneto

Daughters

One guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Freddy.
I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're gonna go eat spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Jim.
I'm here to see Kim.
We're gonna go for a swim.
Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Joe.
I'm here to pick up Flo.
We're gonna go to the show.
Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says "Yes." the two depart.
Sure enough, a few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says "Hi, I'm Chuck.."
The father shot him.

King Solomon

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young accountant in half. Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Goat

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow . . . that looks deep."
"Sure it does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise
"Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football- sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.

Statistika

Margaret Thacher: "ima lyji, ima dolni lyji, ima po-dolni lyji i ima i statistiki".

Crime Busters

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They place agents disguised as rocks, trees, and bushes at "calculated strategic positions" in the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After 3 months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After 2 weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. They declare some unrecognizable burnt corpse as the rabbit. They make no appologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out one hour later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! Damn, I'm a rabbit!"

Pena i Vute

Pena kazwa na Wute:
-Wute, momeeto ni porasnaa. I Ubaawo stana i zasukaano... I wseka wecher koga se syblicha na penjaro, Nane go gleda. Ta shte wzemem hem momeeto da si poabimo, hem da si razwalime komshiluko. Trebe da si kupime perdeta!
-Peno, ot utre ti shte se syblichash na penjaro - neka Nane si kupi perdeta!

Male and Female Stages of Life

THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping

DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

===================

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY 17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

Martians

The first manned Martian expedition landed on Mars, and to their amazement, they discovered that the planet was populated. The Martians were humanoid and not much different from their Neighbors on Earth.
The Expedition personnel -- 4 males and one female spent the first few days avidly discussing their various fields of expertise with their hosts. The Martians also showed great hospitality to their visitors, wined them and dined them, took them to the Mars bars. Eventually, of course, the subject of procreation was raised.
The Martians took their guests deep into their underground complex, into a room with red paneling covered in dials, switches and other controls. "Right," said one of the Martians, adjusting various controls. "I think we should make a boy who will grow up to be tall, fair, an engineer, a good sportsman with a good sense of humor but a bit shy".
He checked his settings, punched a blue button and a few seconds later a panel in the wall opened and a basket containing a Martian baby slid into view.
Everyone, Martians and humans gathered around and gasped in wonder at the new born child. Then the Martians asked how this was accomplished on Earth. "Well," said the Expedition Leader. "If Miss Johnson would care to assist in the demonstration, I should be only too pleased to show you how it is done".
The lady astronaut was more than willing and, together, they stripped each other and proceeded to have sex. When they finished and were redressing one Martian raised a quizzical eyebrow and asked when the issue could be expected.
"Oh sorry," said the leader. "It takes nine months".
"Nine months!" exclaimed the Martian. "Well, why all the hurry at the end?"

International Woman Conference

At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was how to empower women in the home.
The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said;
"I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing."
The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.
The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said;
"I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us."
Again the conference applauded.
Next came the Australian delegate. She said;
"I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Blonde Joke

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.
When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,"I don't have any money... but I'll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes.... ANYTHING!!"
With that the man says, "Follow me!"
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, Take down my zipper."
She does.Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "HELLO, MOM?"

Nqkolko Vica

Група наркомани решили да отказват наркотиците. По случай това организирали купон. Вечерта преди купона, домакина приготвил всичко, но не се стърпял и решил да вземе една доза. За да не го усетят приятелите му, той си написал на един лист какво да каже като дойдат останалите. След като се звъннало на вратата, домакина издавил листа и прочел:
- Добър вечер. Кой е?
От другата страна му отговорили:
- Ние сме запетайка твоите приятели

***

Двама нацисти си вървят и разговарят:
- тази еврейката, ще я сваляме ли ?
- не, нека си виси....

***

Умрял един наркоман и отишал в Ада. При което гледа на ляво - трева, на дясно трева, накъдето погледне трева и то от всякакъв вид. Откъснал си две-три листа, навил ги и попитал съседа от дясно:
- огънче?
- е, то ако имаше огънче щеше да е рай.....

***

- мъжът ми се чувства зле, трудно диша!
- а какво казват лекарите?
- да не му завързвам вратовръзката толкова стегнато....

Useless Inventions

1.A Pedal powered wheelchair
2.A black highlighter pen
3.Glow in the dark sunglasses
4.Non stick Cellotape
5.Solar Powered Flash Light
6.Waterproof sponge
7.Waterproof Teabags
8.Inflatable Anchor
9.Inflatable Dartboard
10.Seatbelts for Motorbikes
11.Silent Alarm Clock
12.AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
13.Battery powered Battery Charger
14.Braille Drivers Manual
15.Double sided playing cards
16.Ejector seats for Helicopters
17.Fireproof Matches
18.Fireproof Cigarettes
19.Smooth Sandpaper
20.Hand powered Chainsaw

another list, same idea...
-- The water-proof towel
-- Submarine screen doors
-- A book on how to read
-- Inflatable dart boards
-- A dictionary index
-- Mechanical Pencil sharpeners
-- Powdered water
-- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
-- Waterproof tea bags
-- Watermelon seed sorter
-- Zero proof alcohol
-- Reuseable ice cubes
-- See-through toilet tissue
-- Skinless bananas
-- Do-it-yourself road map
-- Phallic Jello molds
-- Turnip ice cream
-- Toe implants
-- An all white flag
-- Rolls Royce pickup truck

Taxi Driver

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.?
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and now the minister is at the first of the line.
He stands erect and, without being asked, proclaims, "I am Joseph Snow, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. Looking up, he says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff; but I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

The End of the Earth

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner He told them: "I invited you here because I need three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the earth"
After dinner, Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:
"I have two very bad news items for you:
1. God really exists, and
2. Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."
Clinton called an Emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them:
"I have Good news and Bad News:
1. The good news is: God really does exist.
2. The bad news is: tomorrow He's destroying the earth."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and happily announced:
"I have two fantastic announcements:
1. I am one of three most important people on earth.
2. The Year 2000 problem is solved."

Photographer

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

English Language

(Must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want to piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tella me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me sonna ma bitch.
So I go to my room inna hotel and there is no sheit onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not sheit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.
I don't even know the man and he calla me a sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy.

Blond Jokes

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde.
Her friend tells her, "Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?"
The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!"
The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says "Okay, what's the capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"

***

She was so blonde:

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate!"
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind!
* she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"!
* she thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday!
* she sent me a fax with a stamp on it!
* she tried to drown a fish!
* she thought a quarterback was a refund!
* she tripped over a cordless phone!
* she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept!
* at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius"!
* when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved!