1. God [01.02.00; Hristo Penov]
 2. Final Answer [01.02.00; Hristo Penov]
 3. You might be an engineer if... [03.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 4. New quarterback [03.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 5. Hollywood Teaches [03.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 6. Winfun [05.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 7. Little Johnny and Cold Cream [10.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 8. Math Problem [10.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 9. Good News [10.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 10. St Valentin [14.02.00; Todor Todorov]
 11. Dead Goldfish [14.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 12. Husbands Performance [22.02.00; Radostina Georgieva]
 13. Nqkolko ot men [23.02.00; Radostina Georgieva]
 14. Fitting [29.02.00; Todor Todorov]
 15. The Date [23.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 16. Sir Galahad [23.02.00; Atanas Banov]
 17. 10 things that piss me off [23.02.00; Atanas Banov]

God

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks: "Is God male or female?"
After thinking a moment, Mom responds: "Well, God is both male and female."
This confuses the little boy so he asks: "Is God black or white?"
"Well," Mom says, "God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks: "Is God gay or straight?"
"Honey," Mom says, "God is both gay and straight."
So the kid thinks about if for a while, then asks: "Mom... Is God Michael Jackson?"

Final Answer

 You might be an engineer if...

- The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
- Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
- Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
- You are always late to meetings
- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday
- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
- You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months
- You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
- You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
- You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
- You know what http:// actually stands for
- You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
- You see a good design and still have to change it
- You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
- You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
- You window shop at Radio Shack
- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
- You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is
- Your checkbook always balances
- Your laptop computer costs more than your car
- Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
- Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
- You've already calculated how much you make per second
- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio

New quarterback

Jimmy Johnson has put together the perfect Dolphins team for '99. The only thing he's missing is a good quarterback to replace the injured Dan Marino.
He has scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but; can't seem to find a ringer quarterback that will ensure a Super Bowl win.Then one night, while watching CNN, he sees a battle in the West Bank in
Israel. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spots a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he throws a hand grenade
straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away - - KA-BOOM!
Next, he throws another hand grenade into a group of about 10 gunmen a good 110 yards away KA- BLOOEY!
Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Jimmy says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So he brings the soldier (named Morris) to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records
for completed passes, accuracy, and touchdowns. The Dolphins go on to handily win the Super Bowl XXXVI and when Jimmy asks him what he wants, all
the young man wants to do is phone his mother.

Jimmy arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young Quarterback:
"Mom," Morris says into the receiver, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're no longer my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world! I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans... I'm famous."
"No, let ME tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week
your sister was attacked in broad daylight. . . The old lady pauses, in tears.. . . "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Miami."

Hollywood Teaches

1. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
2. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
3. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
5. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
6. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
7. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them
8. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
9. Guns are like disposable razors-if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.
10. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 

Winfun

Ето с какво откриваме (нещо в стил частушки,
пее се с мелодията на "Седнало е Джоре Дос":
 
ДОС, ДОС, MS DOS,
ДОС леле ДОС,
Word, Excel и PowerPoint
иска всеки бос
Бос бос, Били бос, бос Били бос,
Word-a ти е много прост
Бос Били бос
Имаш данни, имам данни
Имаме бози*
Ти със Фокс аз с Аксес
късам нерви днес
ДОС, ДОС няма ДОС,
Били вади коз,
NT сървър няма ДОС,
коз за мой тормоз.
Още диск и още РАМ
иска Уиндоус там
нямаш диск и нямаш РАМ -
на ти - син екран.
Плуг енд плей, плуг енд плей
много хитро брей
кво стана, кво разбра -
Бластера не пей.
Ток, ток, тока спря
ФАТ-а се скапа.
Скандиск-а като тръгна
всичко омаза
АутЛук и MSN борят се за мен
аз се дърпам и увъртам,
хич не съм им фен.
 
-----
*бози - популярно название за "Бази данни"
 
Забележка: с цел благозвучно пеене, някои думи ("тръгна", "омаза") се произнасят по шопската конвенция - с ударение накрая.  

Little Johnny and Cold Cream

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his Mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked."To make myself beautiful," she replied as she began to remove the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter," asked little Johnny. "Giving up?"

Math Problem

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do".
He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started."Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check.
The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, ..plus a constant." 

Good News

A man goes to the doctor for an exam. After it's over, the doctor says, "Well, we've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

"Uh", says the man, "the bad news".

"Ok, well, you have cancer, I'm sorry to say. You have about 6 months to live".

The man is stunned. "My God! What could possibly be the good news?"

The doctor leans close to him, a big grin on his face. "Did you see my receptionist on your way in, the one with the really big tits?"

"Uhh...yah?"

"We're havin' sex!"

Dead Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence.Curious about what the youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?""My goldfish died," replied Tim tear fully, without looking up, "and I've just burried him."The neighbour was confused, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

Husbands Performance

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before
we make love. I like that."The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the
bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Nqkolko ot men

Един тийнейджър решил да подразни нервен продавач в магазин за електроуреди.
Влязъл вътре и казал:
- Електрически крушки имате ли?
- Не.
Излязъл навън и поседял 2-3 минути. После пак влязъл и попитал:
- Електрически крушки имате ли?
- Не. И ако още един път ме попиташ ще ти забия езика с два пирона на стената.
След още пет минути:
- Пирони имате ли?
- Не!
- А електрически крушки имате ли?
 
***

Върви си Червената Шапчица в гората и изведнъж от храстите изскача един заек омазан целия с лайна.
- Ах, бедничкото то! Как си се оцапало! - казала Червенета Шапчица и бръзо го избърсала с една салфетка. Изведнъж от храстите се чул гласа на Кумчо Вълчо:
- Еееей! Червената Шапчица! Имаш ли още салфетки?
- Нямам!
- Лошо, я кажи на заека пак да дойде!

Fitting

Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped by the local drugstore on the way home.
"What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant sweetly.
When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size, the blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him to enter her. He was delighted to oblige.
"Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now, take it out. How many do you want?"
Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore to place on order, "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the sales girl. So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure.
"Size seven, Sir. Now take it out please. How many would you like?"
But Tom kept on going until he was done. "None thanks," he told her zipping up his pants and grinning. "I just came in for a fitting."

The Date

It's the spring of 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he
goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.......

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," ....says Bobby. Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to
the malt shop or to a drive- in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds ..."Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." .....

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, and he says....... "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," ....says Peggy Sue's father,.... "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door while dad is saying...... "Have a good evening kids," ....with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:........ "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!!!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!!!!!! "

Sir Galahad

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

10 things that piss me off

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the Fucking
ceiling up there.

7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't" Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over