1. Два вагона зайци [05.04.00]
 2. The Ten Most Important People in a Woman's Life [05.04.00; Nikolay Nikolov]
 3. Модерни времена [09.04.00; Radostina Georgieva]
 4. Hate speech [10.04.00; Todor Todorov]
 5. A concerned mother [12.04.00; Todor Todorov]
 6. Drug dealers and software developers [12.04.00; Ata Ivanov]
 7. A nun [12.04.00; Radostina Georgieva]
 8. Welcome to Jamaica [12.04.00; Todor Todorov]
 9. Random Thoughts [12.04.00; Todor Todorov]
 10. The Most Dangerous Snake In the World [13.04.00; Todor Todorov]
 11. Deca... [17.04.00; Milen Lazarov]
 12. Банка [17.04.00; Venelin Voykov]
 13. Meksiko [17.04.00; Lazar Ivanov]
 14. The very best of junk mail [17.04.00; Atanas Banov]
 15. Студентска молитва  [17.04.00; Atanas Banov]
 16. Духай [20.04.00; Todor Todorov]
 17. Инструкции [20.04.00; Todor Todorov]
 18. How to clean your mouse [24.04.00; Todor Todorov]
 19. Flying in Seattle [25.04.00; Venko Ivanov]

Два вагона зайци

Пътуват в един вагон заек, лисица, вълк и мечка. Щом потеглил влака заека извадил една китара и започнал да пее:
- "Пътували, пътували, пътували, два вагона зайци..."
И така половин час. На лисицата и писноло по едно време и казала:
- Ей, заек, писна ми от теб. Излизай навън да се разберем!
Излизат и след няколко минути лисицата се връща със синина под окото. А заека започва отново:
- "Пътували, пътували, пътували, два вагона зайци..."
След половин час на вълка му писнало и казал:
- Я излизай навън да се разберем!
Излезли навън и след пет минути вълка влиза със синина под окото. А заека си знае своето:
- "Пътували, пътували, пътували, два вагона зайци..."
След половин час и на мечката и писнало, и тя:
- Заек, излизай навън да се разберем с тебе!
А лисицата и вълка в един глас:
- Мецо, не излизай навън с тоя, че те наистина са два вагона....

The Ten Most Important People in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2. The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3. The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
4. The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5. The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6. The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest"
7. The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8. The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots.

Модерни времена

Две бабички стоят на пейка и си говорят.Едната казва да другата:
- Мари, Пено, да знаеш снощи двама млади подпрозореца ми, как се прегръщаха, как се целуваха и накрая он и го набута в устата...
- Ох, мари божке, добре че не в окото - отвърнала другата.

Hate speech

TO:    All Employees
FROM:  Human Resources
SUBJECT:   Foul Language
DATE:  April 7, 2000

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language
during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank You,

Human Resources

A concerned mother

A mother had three daughters and on their wedding she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell House Coffee". The Mother is confused but finally noticed a Maxwellcoffee ad, and it said; "....satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks For the Rothmans ad, and it says;"LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted. The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS"
British airways - forever  :))

Drug dealers Software developers

Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as "users". as "users".

"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon: Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM," "Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN".

Realize that there's Realize that there's tons of cash in the tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old market.

Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by industry's producing industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture capitalists.

Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said.

Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

A nun

The very naive young nun was assigned to a parish in the country. On the first Saturday, the priest asked her if she wanted to go swimming. She'd never been before, but the priest promised he'd give her lessons. They changed into bathing suits, then the priest offered her a hand while they waded into the water.

They splashed around for a few minutes until the nun turned to the priest and asked, "Father, will I really sink if you take your fingers out of my hole?"

Welcome to Jamaica

There was this guy who loved his girlfriend so much that he had her named tattooed on his penis. When it was hard it spelled W-E-N-D-Y and when it was soft it spelled W-Y. One day he was in the restroom and standing next to this Jamiacan. He noticed he had a WENDY tattooed on his penis too! He said, "Hey, not that I was looking or anything, but I noticed you have a WENDY tattooed on your penis like me. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy, too?"
The guy looked over at him and said, "No, Mon...mine says "WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY!!"

Random Thoughts

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, can't help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.

Sex with you is like using drugs: lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time, let's say we call it quits.

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

If you ever need a friend...buy a dog.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the Dad was?

The Most Dangerous Snake In the World

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin). Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet). Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal.

Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.

The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked. 2. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

Deca...

Пътували, в едно купе семейство-мъж, жена, двете им деца и още един пътник.
Пътникът през цялото време поглеждал ту жената ту двете деца. В един момент попитал мъжа:
- Извинете, децата ви не са ли близнаци?
- Не! Не са!
След няколко минути взиране оня пита отново:
- Абе, все пак, децата ви не са ли близнаци?
- Не! Не са близнаци!
След още няколко минути взиране и невероятно учуден тон, той попитал пак:
- Наистина ли не са близнаци?
- Не! Не са близнаци! Имат пет години разлика.
По едно време мъжете излезли в коридора да пушат и пътника отново запитал:
- А бе тези деца не са ли близнаци?
- Не са, по дяволите. Нали ти казах, че имат пет години разлика.
- И какво, искаш да кажеш, че тая си я чукал два пъти!!!

Банка

Звъни телефона. Мъжът вдига. Отсреща друг мъж пита:
- Ало, банката ли е?
- Абе що не ти го начукам и на тебе и на жена ми, бе! И двамата мислите еднакво!!

Meksiko

Q: Zashto meksikancite nqmali dobri sportisti?
A: Ami zashtoto wsichko koeto moje da skacha, pluwa i bqga e w US.

The very best of junk mail

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail
to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend
whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried
Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken,
which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was
sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his
mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and
there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the Crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global
disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the
leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also
promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first
asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy's expense. Then
reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that
said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS."

Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital -- the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the
one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society and an anonymous
billionaire have agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.

I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of X's and O's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital but he was running low on gas because it was Tuesday and he was punishing his local service station as part of the GREAT GAS OUT by waiting till Thursday to fill his tank. On the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&M's and a little man will dance the Macarena on your computer screen - if you don't, you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the US government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true cause I read it on the Internet.

Студентска молитва

Доценте наш, ти който си на бюрото
да се чуе твоето име,
да бъде твоят подпис
и тройката наша да бъде,
както в книжката,
така и в протокола.
И прощавай за отсъствията,
както ние ти се радваме на твоите.
И не ни оставяй на ликвидация
и не ни възспирай при преписване

Духай

Младеж и неопитна девойка се канят да правят любов. Младежът нежно й нашепва:
- Духай го!
И момичето се подчинява в буквалния смисъл на думата, надува бузи и започва да духа с целия капацитет на белите си дробове. Момчето озадачено я наблюдава и в един момент отреагира:
- Стига, стига, вече изстина, сега може да го лапнеш!

Инструкции
 
- Маце, дай малко налево...
- А сега малко нагоре...
- Сега надесно.
- Ха сега леко назад...
- Ей, слушай бе, готин, ти ше ме ....... ли или ше ме паркираш?

How to clean your mouse

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.
 
MEMO

"Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform
erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls
should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can
be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of
spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.  Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of
removing these necessary items.

Flying in Seattle

A helicopter pilot is flying to Seattle, and hits a pea-soup-thick fog bank. He's completely disoriented, and flies blindly around until he spies the top few floors of an office building. He pulls up real close to it, and gets the attention of a woman sitting at her desk.

"Excuse me!" he yells.

"Where am I?" "You're in a helicopter," she replies.

The pilot pulls off sharply to the left, takes one or two crisp turns through the dense fog, and then does a perfect blind landing at the Seattle-Tacoma Airport.

"That was amazing!" says a passenger. "How did you know from her answer where you were?"

"Easy," says the pilot. "Her answer, while correct, was absolutely useless.

So I immediately knew I was at Microsoft Tech Support."