1. Pytiat kym raia... [05.05.00; Milen Lazarov]
 2. Anything else [08.05.00; Todor Todorov]
 3. y2k [08.05.00; Milen Lazarov]
 4. I want to hurt my computer [09.05.00; Todor Todorov]
 5. Old Man [09.05.00; Todor Todorov]
 6. The birds and the bees [10.05.00; Todor Todorov]
 7. Wnimatelno s omyzhente... [10.05.00; Milen Lazarov]
 8. Ти помниш ли [10.05.00; Venko Ivanov]
 9. Hell [12.05.00; Todor Todorov]
 10. Pinokio [12.05.00; Nicolay Bancov]
 11. 9 aborta [12.05.00; Nicolay Bancov]
 12. Myjete [12.05.00; Nicolay Bancov]
 13. Idealntata jena [12.05.00; Nicolay Bancov]
 14. Good excuse [12.05.00; Todor Todorov]
 15. Good Year [16.05.00; Nikolay Bankov]
 16. Man & Woman [16.05.00; Snejina Mancheva]
 17. Error Messages [20.05.00; Milen Lazarov]
 18. Car Trouble [20.05.00; Todor Todorov]
 19. Ivan Grozni [20.05.00; Venelin Voykov]
 20. Pitbul [25.05.00; Nikolai Nikolov]
 21. Rakiya "Tzar Samuil" [25.05.00; Atanas Banov]

Pytiat kym raia...

Млада девойка се приближва към вратата на рая и пита, дали може да влезе.
Свети Петър пита:
- А девствена ли си?
- Разбира се! - отвръща девойката и се изчервява.
Свети Петър вика ангела, който проверя и предлага на девойката да се съблече за проверка. След огледа ангелът, леко смутен, казва че девойката има седем малки дупчици на девствената ципа.
- Това не е толкова важно, - казва Свети Петър - може да влезе в рая!
Тръгва девойката към врата и вижда маса, над масата седи табела "РЕГИСТРАТУРА". Ангелът, който седи зад масата, пита за нейното име.
- Снежанка.....!

Anything else

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.
She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you.

Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

"Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore ?'"

y2k

Dear Boss, "Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April,Mak, June,Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as: Sundak,Mondak,Tuesdak,Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak. I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction."

I want to hurt my computer

I want to hurt my computer.

I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my
screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates.

When my system crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and retype it for me.

I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that cannot be read by old, reliable software with the same name.
Is there no one in the computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike once they are open? Why can't
6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just words, isn't it?

There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their old cars should cease to function. If they don't
understand why this is happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.

How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work?

I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 "matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good
news, we've located the product you're looking for. It's on Earth."

I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system was virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My
new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's
as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.

Now I've found out that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive. How could they not recognize each other? They live
together!

Please understand: I don't hate my computer. I just want to hurt it every once in a while.
 
                Official Project Stages:

1. Uncritical Acceptance
2. Wild Enthusiasm
3. Dejected Disillusionment
4. Total Confusion
5. Search for the Guilty
6. Punishment of the Innocent
7. Promotion of the Non-participants

Old man

At 85 years of age, Morris marries a lovely 25 year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes, and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her, and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door, and there old Morris is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful. After this, the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door, and there he is again, fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're lying in the afterglow, the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough strength to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one! You're a great lover, Morris."

Morris looks confused and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

The birds and the bees

A father asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!

If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really fuck, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Wnimatelno s omyzhente...

Срещат се двама приятели, единият се оплаква на другия:
- Ако знаеш каква мускулна треска имам! Вчера цял ден съм копал!
Другият:
- Това нищо не е. Аз каква мускулна треска имам на задника! Вчера чуках една омъжена дама, но изведнъж се появи съпруга й. Напъха си палеца в задника ми и се опита да ме изтръска от балкона на шестия етаж. Два часа съм се стискал!

Ти помниш ли

Ти помниш ли морето
и машините
и трюмовете пълни
с
лепкав
мрак
и онзи див копнеж
по Филипините
по
едрите звезди над Фамагуста.

и т.н. и сега идва основното

Опомнихме се - късно
бяхме вързани жестоко
Като на някакви животни в
клетка
светкаха очите жадно
и търсеха и молеха пощада
а бяхме млади
бяхме толкоз
млади.

Та авторът е искал да каже - не се женете. Пък може и да не е искал това да каже.

Hell

A guy goes to Hell and is met by the Devil. The Devil explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years, so he is to select his first punishment. In the first room, he sees a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not keen on this, so he asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, "Okay, stop now, you've been relieved."

Pinokio

Pinokoio se oplakwa na tatko Karlo:
- Abe tatko Mulwina wse mi mrunka che kato q ... i se zabiwat treski. Kakwo da prawq?
- Nqma problem moito momche. Eto ti edna shkurka, shte poizgladish kudeto trqbwa i...
Sled desetina dni tatko Karlo se interesuwa kakwo e polojenieto, kak e Mulvina oshte li mrunka?
Otgowora na Pinokio:
- Abe kwo me interesuwa Mulwina. Nali si imam shkurka.

9 aborta
 
Kakwo oznachawa ciganka s 9 aborta?
Suwesten grajdanin grijesht se za namalqvane na prestupnostta.

Myjete

Razgowor m/u Godji i Slawi Trifonov w poslednoto predawane Hushove:
Godji:
- Izsledwaniqta sochat che 50% ot mujete peqt pod dusha, a ostanalite onanirat. Wie gospodin Trifonov, znaete li koq pesen peqt mujete?
- Ne.
- Taka i si misleh.

Idealnata jena

- Kakwa trqbwa da e idealnata jena?
- Da pritejawa 70 umeniq - da gotwi i 69

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Good Year

Kakwa e razlikata m/u 365 prezervativa i gumite GOOD YEAR?
 
Da si izpolzwal 365 prezervatiwa si e naistina GOOD YEAR, a pri gumite e prosto marka.

Man & Woman

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Error Messages

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error
messages with their own Japanese Haiku Poetry, each only 17 syllables in
the first line, 7 in the second, five in the third...

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Aborted effort.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
the document you are seeking
must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Car Trouble

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies.

She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more. Exhausted, the guy says, "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man, "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."

So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into "high-gear" when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them. The cop asks, "What are you doing in there?" The guy says, "I'm making love to my wife."

The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"

The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."

Ivan Grozni

Otivat petima boliari na car Ivan Grozni da iskat dashteriata na anglijskia kral za carq.

Imenata im bili:
Loginov, Stroginov, Putiatin, Fokin i Neverov. Dolojili na kralq:
- Vashe Velicestvo, pratenicite pristignaha!
- Kak se kazvat? - polubopitstval kralqt.
- Long enough, Strong enough, Put it in, Fuck in and Never off.

Pitbul 

Q; kakva e razlikata mezhdu bulonkata i pitbula koito si pikaiat krotko varhu obuvkata vi
A: pitbula go ostaviate da si dovarshi rabotata.

Rakiya "Tzar Samuil"

chuhte li za novata rakiya - "Tzar Samuil" ? az ne byah....
.... ot vseki 100 koito sa pili ot neia, 99 oslepiavat napulno, a edin -
samo s ednoto oko.