1. The estranged wife [05.12.03; Milen Lazarov]
 2. You know you are Bulgarian when... [11.12.03; Radostina Georgieva]

The estranged wife

Dear Terri:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. However, that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. Now I see that my pride's cost me many things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad  anymore.

I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says... "There's no one like you, Terri."

I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri does? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know that I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby.

Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant until later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're fucking in our old bedroom. And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me.

But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can, because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your Heart, you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you.

Because I love you.

You know you are Bulgarian when...

You know you are Bulgarian when:
- Your mom uses lard instead of Crisco to fry eggs...and tells you it's good for you.
- Duck tape is your father's only tool next to using a kitchen knife as a screwdriver.
- Your 15 year old sister can out-drink any American.
- At your wedding you know only about a third of the guests.
- At least one of your friends' nickname is "Sasho".
- Your father calls you a dummy for not knowing how to do something he can't do either.
- You drive a better car than your parents.
- There is a 120-gallon barrel of wine and cabbage in your garage.
- There is more alcohol in your liquor cabinet than at the local bar.
- You are 18 years old but your parents still call you by your sibling's or pet's name.
- You can hear your dad snoring from across the street.
- Your baba and diado live in your basement.
- Your dad's sneeze scares you.
- Your dad carries around enough money to buy a car.
- Both your parents had to walk to school barefoot in the snow, 5 km uphill - both ways - and over rocks and they make sure to remind you every time you get in your car.
- There is at least one relative that your family refuses to talk to.
- Being someone's best man really has no meaning.
- When you make jokes based on your own tragedy.
- Your church has a fully loaded bar.
- You don't want to have or do any business with Bulgarians.
- Your parents have a shot of rakiya for breakfast.
- You started to drink at the age of 12.
- It takes over 8 years to finish college.
- You have a Bulgarian cross, flag, or icon, hanging from your rear view mirror.
- If you're a girl and not married by the age of 20 you are an old maid.
- You base your whole life on the fortune in your coffee cup.
- You live with your mom and dad until you are married.
- Your mom tells you not to sit on cement or your ovaries will freeze.
- There is a slab of fat in your fridge called 'slanina.'
- When your baba will not accept the fact that you're not hungry.
- You go to a restaurant and you bring your own drinks.
- You live for the annual soccer tournament.
- When your grandma insists that farting is healthy.
- All of your elderly acquaintances are scared of drafts.
- When you can hear your parents talking and you are across the street.
- When you're a girl, and you dye your hair no other color than burgundy.
- Everyone is sure you're Greek or Italian.
- No one has ever pronounced your name right, and every kid on the block has a different nickname for it.
- When you can always smell garlic on your parents breath and they insist that is kills bacteria.
- When your mother yells at you for taking a shower each and every morning with her sarcasm "Did you plow the fields today?"
- When no matter how old you are, your parents never say you're right.
- When you're 6'5 and 150 kg and your parents still think you are too skinny.
- When you're hungry, and then you go and buy a pack of smokes.
- When your baba would rather walk 5 miles to the grocery store instead of pay a quarter to take the bus.
- When you have a chicken running in your back yard.
- When your father is talking to you and every other word he calls you is budala.
- You have a shot of rakiya followed by 4erno kafe and a pack of Marlboro for breakfast.
- You sport the latest Nike and Adidas outfits but have never exercised in your life.
- You always have the latest mobile phone on the market.
- You can spend 3 hrs in a Cafe drinking the same cup of coffee.
- Calling someone for a chat at 1 am on a weeknight is normal.
- When your parents call relatives in Bulgaria and they have to shout to be heard.
- As soon as you tell a neighbor you're Bulgarian they usually scream STOICKOV with a weird accent.
- When you're married with kids and your mother still insists on cooking for you.
- When you beg a friend who's going back to Bulgaria to buy you some "good" cigarettes.
- When you step on poop and your mom tells you that it's a sign of luck or money.
- You know you're Bulgarian when you're 25, live on your own, and still sneak up the stairs when you get home at six in the morning.
- Your parents insist that piling blankets on you body is the way to cure your 102 degree fever.
- When you started going to clubs when you were 14.
- When you think chalga is good music.
- When you are never certain whether stay abroad or return to Bulgaria.
- You know you're Bulgarian when your dad thinks everyone in China has a black belt.
- When people still think that you are from Bolivia no matter how many times you say you're from Bulgaria.
- When your parents' friends have no shame in telling you you've gained weight.
- You know you're Bulgarian when all you have to do is sniffle and your parents say "uh-huh" and start yelling at you for getting sick.
- You are adored the first 10 years of your life, then treated like a complete idiot until you get married.
- You move next door to a family member to be closer but then end up not talking to each other because of something stupid you said when you were drunk.
- YOU KNOW YOU'RE BULGARIAN WHEN YOU HAVE RUN AWAY FROM BULGARIA AND STILL SAY IT'S THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE.