Jerome ---We must get ready for the other world out there.
Baby Hayes ---What are you talking about? What other world, out where?
Jerome ---Out there, out there...Outside these walls.
Baby Hayes ---Out there?...You know what's out there? Intestines!! You want me to go live in intestines???!!

***

David ---There's that tumbleweed again. I hope we're not driving around in circles.
Maddie ---All tumbleweeds look the same.
David ---Yeah, that's what they say about blue-eyed blondes.

***

Maddie ---Out with it!
David ---Here? Right now? While I'm driving?

***

Dipesto ---Mr. Addison. Here's your ticket.
David ---Thanks again, Agnes.
Dipesto ---I guess this means you're going away.
David ---Agnes, in all my born days I have never met a person who could put two and two together faster than you.
Dipesto ---Math was always my strongest subject.

***

Dipesto ---I know the last couple of weeks haven't been any clambake for either of you, but she wants everybody to think that she's just fine, and you want everybody to think that you're just fine.
David ---I am just fine.
Dipesto ---I doubt it...but guys have to pretend they're bulletproof, even though they're all ripped up inside...So, that's the only thing Miss Hayes sees, so she's gonna be bulletproof too...And both of you have more holes in you than one of Bert's socks!

***

David ---Maddie, you've had the same pantyhose on for two days. That can't be good for your circulation. The O2 ain't getting up there between your earrings.

***

(David comes in to Blue Moon hung over)
David ---You think for all the rent we pay here we could get a room that didn't spin around.

***

David ---I come to work two hours late looking like something that got found under a sofa cushion, and you give me a bonus check? What is reality?
Maddie ---David, I've accepted the fact that you miss meetings.
David ---You have?
Maddie ---I have.
David ---Oh, no you haven't.
Maddie ---Getting mad takes too much time and energy...I've got a business to run.
David ---Oh, I see...We're gonna get the old "I'm not gonna get mad at David" speech. Happens once a quotes, usually lasts about one episode. I seem to remember the last time I heard this speech you were dancing around in your underwear doing the horizontal hoochie coochie with the spaceman.

***

Maddie ---David, I'm not saying there are things about me that you know better than anyone else in the world...but there's a lot of other things...parts of me you've never seen. David---Like that extra thigh you've got stashed in the closet.

***

David ---So...What you're saying is that after four years, 93 million miles to the sun and back, that this is just a casual relationship.
Maddie ---Of course not, David! You know that's not true...We're friends, good friends...better than good friends. We're....pals.
David ---Pals?
Maddie ---Pals.
David ---For a minute there I thought you were gonna say chums, or worse yet...buddies.

***

David ---My habits are not mine own, I merely rent them.

***

David ---C'mon, Maddie. You don't just forget a person. I remember every pore on every body that I've ever rubbed ribs with. Every mole, every birthmark, every hill, dimple, pimple, tattoo...
Maddie ---Tattoo?
David ---Etched right up here. Same as you.
Maddie ---I don't remember everything about every encounter I've ever had.
David ---Well, how many we talking here?
Maddie ---David...
David ---Just a ball park figure.
Maddie ---It's personal.
David ---We're discussing a case, it's business.
Maddie ---How many people I've been intimate with...
David ---Intimate?...Is that before or after pals?
Maddie ---...in my life is none of your business...It has nothing to do with this case or any other case.
David ---Well, if you put them all together, could you get up a game of football?
Maddie ---David...
David ---Basketball?
Maddie ---David...!
David ---Bridge? Ping-pong?
Maddie ---I don't wanna talk about this.
David ---Alright then I'll tell you...Six....Let's see. There was the football player in high school...
Maddie ---I didn't date football players.
David ---...under the bleachers after the big game...You were worried about your reputation, but when you saw him in shoulder pads and cleats, you threw caution to the wind, and your legs in the air.
Maddie ---I'm not listening to this.
David ---Then there was Joe College, golf team, average appearance, had his own room in the frat house, had a sign on the door that said "Slippery When Wet."
Maddie ---I hope you're enjoying yourself.
David ---After college you moved to the city...
Maddie ---Obviously, you're enjoying yourself.
David ---...you had an affair, probably some unavailable guy, probably married, which you broke off and then took a vow of celibacy, which...
Maddie ---Why are you doing this to me?
David ---..looked pretty good until you ran into the spaceman again...Now, does he count twice?...Then you had a fling with a pal and that leaves room for a one night stand.
Maddie ---Are you finished?
David ---Yeah..that's six.
Maddie ---You're wrong.
David ---Well, I don't know if you put out for the football player... Maddie---Maybe I did and maybe I didn't...
David ---So there was a football player....
Maddie ---...the point is that if the football player showed up on my doorstep tomorrow, I'm not even sure I'd recognize him.
David ---You're right...With a little cherry bomb like you, I'd keep my helmet on too.

***

(discussing the bounty check for Richard Cooper, who "died" when his car blew up)
Maddie ---I don't care...We're not gonna keep it.
David ---Why? We found him...It said dead or alive. It didn't say anything about being charbroiled.

***

Maddie ---You're just as confused about us as I am.
David ---As far as I'm concerned there isn't anything confusing about us. "Us" banters and "us" solves cases and "us" used to do "it" alot more than "us" is doing it now.

***

David ---I know what you are thinking...You're thinking, you selfish swine...
Maddie ---That's the nine o'clock version of what I'm thinking.

***

(going through Nora Cooper's lingerie)
David ---Why don't women wear all the good things on the outside?

***

(on the bicycle)
Maddie ---Pump!
David ---I'm pumping!
Maddie ---Pump harder!
David ---I'm pumping as hard as I can!
Maddie ---I know for a fact you can pump harder when you want to!
David ---That's easy for you to say...All you have to do is go along for the ride.

***

Maddie ---I don't believe it.
David ---Well you better believe it.
Maddie --- Well I don't. It's impossible.
David ---No, Twenty-two episodes a quotes is impossible. But Brill playing doctor with his girl patients is not only possible, but it's walking towards us as we speak.

***

Maddie ---I can't understand it. I'm usually a much better judge of character.
David ---Don't give yourself too much credit. Remember: you were involved with old Dave-a-roonie there for a minute.
Maddie ---Well David, as vile and low as you are, that man is viler and lower, much lower.
David ---You have no idea what that does for my self-esteem.
Maddie ---Let's go back to the office.
David ---What?
Maddie ---I want to go back and tell Hunziger his case looks promising.
David ---Wait a minute, what's the rush? The room's paid for. Somebody's else has got to clean the sheets.
Maddie ---David, forget what I just said: you and the doctor are in a dead heat.

***

Maddie ---What if I didn't look like me and you didn't look like you?
David ---We'd have to wear carnations to spot each other at work.
Maddie ---No, I mean before everything. When I first walked into your office, what'd you think?
David ---You were high strung, overdressed, overbred, had a hairdo from another century, and were probably the most drop-dead gorgeous broad I'd ever seen in my real life.
Maddie ---I knew there was a compliment in there somewhere.....But the point is, what if I weighed twice as much and was half as tall?
David ---Probably would have mistaken you for a filing cabinet.

***

Maddie ---What would you do if you didn't have that smirking mug to hide behind?
David ---Probably rifle the drawers of this gorgeous filing cabinet I knew.

***

Maddie ---You just can't stand it when a woman stands up for her rights, can you?
David ---I like my women laying down, okay?

***

David ---(to Maddie)
Nobody has the right to shoot the boss and if they do, it oughta be me!

***

Viola ---Sir, I have succeeded in penetrating the billing system of Hackensack Mutual Insurance.
David ---Penetration?...They allow that on tv?

***

Maddie ---David, I never ever thought that I would say it, but this is beneath you.
David ---The only thing beneath me is you and this is the one time that I don't like it!!

***

David ---But, I don't care about that...I don't even care about this case...You know what I care about?...You, everytime you look at me thinking you see Neil Fast.
Maddie ---No, I don't.
David ---Oh yes, you do, I think you do...
Maddie ---Neil Fast came on to someone who didn't want him to.

***

Maddie ---Let's try something we've never done before.
David ---You get to be the boy?

***

Viola ---You don't think that I would let a band of zip-gun-toting hooligans make off with your new car, sir?
David ---They didn't steal the car?......The truth, Bert.
Viola ---I can't lie to you, sir. You of all people deserve to know the truth...Your car is safe and sound, though through no valor on my part...I tried to trade Miss Hayes gift to you... for my Florsheims.
David ---They didn't take the deal??!!!
Viola ---Thank God...Apparently, fuel efficiency isn't a priority with the Crips.

***

David ---Maybe I like this car...it's a terrific car.
Maddie ---Really?
David ---Really, and it was incredibly sweet of you to buy it for me...probably the second sweetest thing you've ever done for me...That time was a year ago...windy day...you forgot to wear undees.

***

Maddie ---David!! How could you leave the keys in your new car??!!
David ---Oh, how could I be so careless? I'm so ashamed!!

***

David ---You were just spooked because it had the Grim Reaper's cooties on it.

***

(Maddie and Dave are buried up to their necks in the cemetery--an old man comes along)
David ---Hey!...Howdy Pops. Listen, you wanna help us out here..Me and the Missus ain't quite dead yet.

***

Maddie ---There is no way I'm gonna touch this dead body.
David ---Or maybe we'll just levitate him outta here....Or maybe you want to get planted again.

***

Maddie ---David I don't know what I would do if you were the first one to go.
David ---Don't worry, I'll keep your side of the cloud warm. Wouldn't be a heaven without you.

***

Maddie ---Maddie(to Ickoo and Bickey)
Don't you touch me!
David ---Yeah, she's a little standoffish at first. Better let me frisk her.

***