Maddie---We've never been on a date, we never talk. All we do is THRASH at each other!
David---But we're talking primo thrashing here. John Deere hasn't built a machine that thrashes as good as we do!
Maddie---Excuse me?

***

David---You weren't there...You were never there...You never gave yourself to this thing.
Maddie---Never gave myself to this thing?...Who do you think was lying beside you, on top of you, underneath you this past month?
David---So what?
Maddie---So what?...I've got news for you, pal...Unlike most of those wishbones that you call women that you've known most of your life, I don't do that...Not like that....Didn't give myself to this thing?...David, if I gave any more of myself I'd be inside out!

***

Maddie---And what do you mean how do I know? I know because I was there, David. I saw the iceberg hit the Titanic... I saw the Hindenberg burst into flames... It's a disaster. We're a disaster!
David---No, no, no, you're a disaster. I'm euphoric!

***

Maddie---What do you want me to do?...Go in the office and announce to everyone that we're sleeping together?...You're nuts!!
David---No, I'm not! I'm happy and I just want someone to know and I want you to want someone to know.
Maddie---I've had enough of this conversation!
David---Fine, I'll just tell them myself.
Maddie---No, you're not.
David---Yes, I am.
Maddie---Oh no, you're not.
David---Yes, I am.
Maddie---No, you're not!
David---Yes......I........Am!
Maddie---Aaaarggh!!!
David---Hey!
Maddie---Excuse me, everyone. I have to be...
David---Block that Door!!!
Maddie---...going now....Don't you dare!
David---Don't worry, boys. Her bark is worse than her bite...I have a little announcement to make, a piece of news.
Maddie---Don't do it, David.
David---You see that lady there.
Maddie---David.....
David---I think...that I have fallen madly, completely, and head-over-heels in love with her.

***

Maddie---Brutal honesty and lack of tact...I like that in my failed relationships.
David---Don't you see...that's funny...that's sharp. Do you ever get that funny or sharp with anyone else?
Maddie---No I don't think so. You're right. We should stay together...we have to stay together. Think of the banter.
David---You're kidding and I'm serious. Don't you get it? I don't get any better than when I'm with you and I don't think you get any better than when you're with me.

***

(David as Ralph of the Honeymooners and Maddie as Alice)
Ralph---Wait a second, wait a second. You think I'm just going to let you waltz out of here? You walk out that door over MY dead body!
Alice---Fine, Ralph. You're right. I can't walk out of here over your dead body... I'd have to FLY out!

***

David---(to the office staff, who are wondering why Maddie hasn't shown up for work)
No problem, boys. The date went great. My guess is that she needs a little time to sleep it off....learn how to walk again.

***

David---(on the phone with the cab company, frantic to find Maddie)
I know you're a very large cab company...I know you had alot of fares last night...This one should be easy to remember, though...Tall, blonde, icy, walks bowlegged, but you don't mind.

***

David--- (still on the phone with the cab company)
It doesn't matter what I need her for. And I didn't say that I need her. I'm a detective. It's what I do. I detect things, and right now I'm detecting a little bit of an attitude problem!
(They hang up)
David---HELLO?!...Why, you stupid, invertebrate, waxhead, son of a ....

***

(David's claymation fantasy)
Maddie---Maybe if you could think a little more about the situation. Maybe if you could think at all beyond the general vicinity of your belt, you'd have an inkling that a no-account, irresponsible, legend in your OWN mind like you has no place dreaming of a future with the likes of me. In fact, where do you get off even asking.....WAIT a minute! You're putting words in my mouth. Addison, you turned me into a witch.
David---If the broom fits....
Maddie---What?! Addison, this isn't fair! You can't turn me into anything you want. You can't make me say anything you want me to say!
David---Sure, I can. For your information, I'm in control here. This is MY fantasy.

***

(In the garage)
Melissa---Mr. Addison, I know what you must be thinking. It's not everyday you get involved with people who die. But really don't...just convincingly fake their death for another purpose.
David ---Obviously, this woman has never seen the show.

***

Dipesto---It's still early...Did she give you any idea when she might call?
David---Agnes, if I knew that, so you think I'd send out for the same crummy Chinese food every night?...You think my stereo would be collecting dust because I'm afraid I'll miss a ring?...You think I'd actually hang up on an obscene phone call because I didn't want to tie up the line?
(Agnes shakes her head no)
David ---No. I don't know when she'll call...Be sure you put in for the overtime.

***

Viola---Beepers.
Dipesto---What?
Viola---I got the beepers.
Dipesto ---There's some Kaopectate in Mr. Addison's bathroom.

***

Viola---(noticing Macguilicuddy's disheveled apperance)
What's with Pollyanna?
Dipesto---His wife left him yesterday..
Viola---No...
Dipesto---Yes...I think he's trying to kill himself, except he's afraid of sharp objects or guns...
Viola---Just up 'n left him, huh?....Geez, everywhere you look seems like someone's leaving someone else....

***

David---Bert...If you don't mind, my new beeper and I would like a few minutes together...alone...
Viola---Yes, sir...by all means...Mr. Addison, as long as I'm here, there is one more thing.
David---Make it a fast one, Bert.
Viola---It's just that...I know you may be feeling a little overwhelmed...with Miss Hayes gone...from a business point of view, I mean...
David---What're you talking about?...The secretaries are wearing shorter skirts, liquor cabinet's full...Since she flew the coop, this place has never run smoother.

***

David---What is it, Bert?
Viola---I've solved it.
David---Huh?
Viola---I've cracked this case so wide open you could stampede a herd of heifers through the opening...I can smell the manure from here.
David---I'm getting a whiff of something myself.

***

David---I understand, but as administrator of our health plan, it is my duty to care for the well-being of each member of our Blue Moon family...Out with it!!
Viola---I don't know if I'm at liberty to say, sir.
David---Bert...This is no time to stand on principle...If you're playing taps because some squaw is carrying your papoose....
Viola---Mine, sir?...No, sir. Your's, sir.
David---What are you talking about?...I haven't knocked anybody up?
Viola---Not just anybody, sir. You knocked up the boss.
David---What?
Viola---Oh, please don't be angry with me, Mr. Addison...Agnes swore me to secrecy....
David---Agnes knows!!!
Viola---Oh, she is gonna smear me with jam and bury me in anthill if she finds out I spilled my guts!
David---Miss Hayes is having a baby? Our Miss Hayes?
Viola ---I just thought you should know, sir.

***

David ---She's having a baby. Very possibly mine, and I can't even get a flight outta this damn place so I can go throw pebbles at her window.

***

(David to himself while in jail)
David ---I can explain everything, Maddie...Ah, you can explain where you were during nine months of pregnancy, labor, potty-training, kindergarten...Yeah, I was in prison...Prison?...Prison..Sure you didn't just fall off some barstool and have amnesia?...That's great, go ahead and make jokes, Maddie...I didn't really come here to see you...Well at least we agree on something, cause I don't wanna see you either...I came to see the kid...I wanna let him know he has a father...You're not his father, you're just some mistake I made a long time ago...I got a right, Maddie...He doesn't even know you...I never told him about you...You never told him about me?...What was I supposed to say, David?...You just disappeared...Where were you, David?......Where were you, David?...Where were you, David?...Where were you, David?...Where were you, David?.....

***

Convict #1---You got a girl, Hundley?
David---Yeah, I got a girl.
Convict #1---How'd you meet her?
David---Long story.
Convict #2---So, I ain't going anywhere for another ninety-nine years.
David---The day she walked into my office, I thought destiny was giving me a massage.
(time passes)
David---So, I go up and ring the doorbell, and this bonehead Sam answers, right?
Convict #3---But you cut him up into little pieces, right?
David---Left my machete in the car.
(time passes)
David---So we just started dancing, right there in the laundromat...That's the last time I saw her.
Convict #2---That's the saddest story I ever heard.
Convict #3---Wait a second...You mean, Maddie might be having your kid and you ain't even related?
David---Ahhh, this tower.....Neither of us were ready to make a commitment.
Convict #3 ---Hey, hey...you gotta ask Maddie to marry you.

***

David ---Cause you know what I learned in this dump?...I learned what most people don't learn...I learned what is essential in life, and Arnie, this woman is essential.

***

David ---C'mon...What? The girl with the rose-colored grey matter doesn't believe I can get us back in the ballgame?...What are talking about here?...A file cabinet here, a worker bee over there, another dumb blonde in the office... Dipesto---DON'T DO THAT!!! Don't you dare talk about Miss Hayes like that!! She wouldn't let this happen! I used to think you were the greatest boss in the world, but for weeks now you've been letting yourself GO TO HELL, and you've been taking all the rest of us with you! So if you think that I'm gonna stand here and make you feel better about ruining everything we had, you're wrong!!! You did this to Blue Moon!!!!

***

David---You know what your problem is, Mr. Hayes?...You're afraid there is another side and you're not man enough to hear it
Mr. Hayes---Okay, I'll listen.
David ---I am sorry about this afternoon...About what I said. About the way I said it...Believe it or not, out of this whole mess we've got a dead heap between things that I did right and things that I did wrong...Do you have any idea how I feel about your daughter? Do you?...I work with her, there, in the same office everyday. Everyday I see another guy come in and tell me his wife packed the car, left him forever, and he wants us to get the car back. Then, I look over at her...There she is, just sitting there. Four billion people in the world, half of them built for comfort, and I gotta pick this one to wanna grow old with...But that's not good enough for Maddie. She needs time. I gotta wait for this one...And maybe you're right. Maybe she's right, but I don't think so. I have chopped myself up into little pieces, my pride, my personality, everything that I am into little squares for this woman. I try to wear the white hat...I go over to her house, with my heart on my sleeve, cards on the table. I'm gonna tell her I love her, and I wanna marry her, I wanna promise her the moon, and excuse me, but there is another man there. That's right. There's another man there...It's okay, this is the eighties, so I waited. I waited for her to make up her mind whether she wants him or she wants me, and she finally does, or so I thought. We spend a great month together...I wake up one morning and she is gone. Boom! Out! Just like that. Next thing I hear she's at your house in Chicago. The next news bulletin I hear is that she's pregnant, with a baby that may or may not be mine....Okay...She's confused, she doesn't know who the father is, I understand that, but..she wasn't even gonna tell me...So, what do I do?...What do I do?...I get on my horse, sound the bugle, and go fight the fight? No. I go home and I wait. Why? Because she tells me to. And I wait and I wait and I wait. Why? Because I love her, because I'm crazy about her!...Marry her? Hell yes, I'd marry her! I asked her, she said no! So, don't come around here making me the villian, don't blame this on me. Marry her? Do I love her? Mr. Hayes, I would give up my life for her.

***

Mr. Hayes---Have you ever thought about going to Maddie and telling her, taking her.
David---Every minute of every day.
Mr. Hayes ---And?.....Yeah, you're right.

***

Mrs. Dipesto---How are your bosses? Still driving each other crazy.
(Agnes nods)
I love an office romance. Speaking of romance...
Dipesto---We were?
Mrs. Dipesto---Anyone special....Anyone?
Dipesto---There's an anyone.
Mrs. Dipesto---What's he look like, sweetie?...Tall? Dark? Handsome?
Dipesto---His hair is dark.

***

Dipesto---What happened?
Viola---What do you mean "what happened?"
Dipesto---I mean, where were you? Stopping off for coffee? Or maybe checking in first?
Viola---It just so happens, I wanted to see if the coast was clear, take a look at the room, make sure everything was safe.
Dipesto---You're lying. Viola---I am not lying!
Dipesto---Yes you are.
Viola---No, I'm not!
Dipesto---Are!
Viola---Not!
Dipesto---Are!
Viola---Not!
Dipesto---Are!
Viola---Listen Miss I'm-not-a-detective,I'm-just-along-for-the-ride, maybe next time, you'd like to crawl in the window, and I will sit in the car and do my nails!
Dipesto---Do my nails?!
Viola---Do my nails!
Dipesto---Do you know what that is? Do you know what that is? That's sexism! Isn't that stooping a little low, even for you?
Viola---Even for...and what about a not-so-veiled remark about a person's size? Isn't that a little desperate, even for you?
Dipesto---Are you calling me desperate?! Viola---Are you calling me short?!
Dipesto---If the size 4 fits..
Man---Shut up in there!
Viola---Can we get back to secretly breaking in now?
Dipesto---If that's what you want. Viola---That's what I want.
Dipesto---Fine.
Viola---Fine.
Dipesto---Good.
Viola---Good.
Dipesto---(under her breath) Probably got stuck in the window.
Viola ---Aargh.

***

Dipesto---Mom?..Oh, no..
Viola---Don't worry, don't worry. She probably just went down to the corner for a steak sandwich, or a wrench or something.
Dipesto ---Mom doesn't eat wrenches.

***

Mrs. Dipesto---Who's that with Mr. Violin?
Dipesto---Mr. Viola.
Mrs. Dipesto---Mr. Viola's with Mr. Violin?
Dipesto ---No, no, no. I'm...never mind.

***

Dipesto---Mom, he's a detective. Arredondo and Sons of Guadluhara. He followed you here, looking for a statue.
Arredondo---The one you received in Mexico, Mrs. Dipesto. I believe a Mr. Burden gave it to you.It was only a trinket, but he placed some very valuable stolen gems inside. He's a cutthroat who's left a trail of murdered bodies in his wake in a bloodthirsty quest to retrieve his statue.
Mrs. Dipesto---He was such a good bus driver.
Arredondo---Perhaps you have the statue with you.
Mrs. Dipesto---I don't. (to Agnes) It's back at your apartment, if whoever broke in didn't take it.
Arredondo---Burden robbed your apartment?
Dipesto---Burden robbed my apartment?
Viola---Burden robbed your apartment!
Mrs. Dipesto ---He was such a good bus driver.

***

Mr. Hayes---May I ask a question? Maddie ---No...I mean...I think I know the question you're gonna ask, Dad...And I don't much care who the father was...It's much more important to me who the father is going to be...if there's going to be a father.

Dipesto ---It's Miss Hayes!!! She's coming home!!
Viola ---Home?...Here?
Dipesto and Viola ---Mr. Addison!!
Viola ---Did you tell him?
Dipesto ---Should we tell him?
Viola ---Helen of Troy comes home and you wanna keep it a secret?

***

David ---Hi kids...What's up?
(then)
(You two split a canary club sandwich?
Viola ---Great news, sir!
Dipesto ---Great, great news!
Viola ---We just found out...
David ---I'm all ears.
Dipesto ---You'll never guess.
David ---I give up.
Dipesto ---She's coming home!!
David ---Lassie?

***

David ---I wouldn't want your knees to start wobbling. Next thing you know, you'd be flat on your back, feet up in the air and that's how this whole thing started, isn't it?

***

David ---You know what, Maddie?...I'm having a real hard time working up any sympathy for the fact that you were on a train for three days and three nights....I've been on a rollercoaster for the past four and a half months waiting for you. Waiting for you to come home, wondering if you ever were gonna come home...And now you finally do come home and I'm walking around here on eggshells and the first thing outta your mouth is wait, David...Wait. Well, maybe I am pushing things a little too much, but I've got about as good as I'm gonna get at waiting...I'm a good waiter...I'm a great waiter...I could get a job as a head waiter!

***

Maddie ---I don't know about you, but I've had alot more on my mind and stomach than food.
David ---And instead of staying here and dealing with it, the queen bee gives everybody the royal buzz off, regardless what it does to anybody else's life!
Maddie ---Like what? Did you miss a few happy hours?
David ---No, I don't remember a whole lot of happy hours...As a matter of fact, the only thing I do remember is having at least one conversation with you for every night that you were gone.
Maddie ---I don't wanna do this....I'm not ready to do this....
David ---I've had four and a half months bottled up inside me....
Maddie ---You're not the only one with four and half months botteld up inside you...
David ---...and now I finally get a chance to let it out...but you know what?...I'm not gonna.....
Maddie---...This is why I didn't want to deal with this, but you know what?..... David ---...You wanna know why?...I'm not giving you the satisfaction of walking out on me before I'm ready to go....
Maddie ---...somehow it fits....Why should I expect you to understand me anymore now than the day we met...So just leave!!...You hear me?!
David ---...Now, I'm walking out the door!...You understand me?!...I'm gonna go...
Maddie ---Get out!!!
David ---Yes!

***

David ---Aren't you forgetting one teeny-tiny plot point.
Maddie ---It's not yours.
David ---You're absolutely sure about that.
Maddie ---I'm absolutely sure.
David ---So, what about Sam?
Maddie ---Sam is none of your business.
David ---What about this guy, Mr. Pawn?
Maddie ---Bishop!!
David ---Whatever.

***

Maddie---You certainly seem in fine spirits. David ---Well, there are many things to be in fine spirits about...Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror, hadn't turned into a giant cockroach yet...That's five days in a row.

***

David---What do you think, Mrs. Bishop?
Maddie---Could I speak to you outside for a moment, please?
David---Me? (to the client) Be right back. (outside his office) Kinda like dejavu, isn't is?...You. Me. Out here arguing whether we should take the case.
Maddie---What did you call me?
David ---Maddie...short for Madelyn...from the Old English meaning tall, beautiful, blonde woman in a wet, slinky nightie.

***

Maddie---David, what you and I have is like nothing I've ever heard of. Maybe I'm afraid of it. Maybe I'm not strong enough for it, but if on the day they close the book on us it says we never got married and had a child, well, that's okay. Because, we have....what we are....or going to be goes beyond licenses and vows...It's in our hearts and in our minds...Only you know. Only I know....So....
David ---Long as this doesn't mean I gotta quit trying.

***

David---Maddie, when you show up for work on Monday I'm probably not going to be there..... (then) This doesn't make sense. The baby's not mine, you're not mine...I think I got it figured out...See, I just don't think you know how any of this makes me feel..You just don't know.
Maddie---Boy, when it rains, it pours.
David---What?
Maddie---Two men leaving one woman on her wedding day.
David---Want me to feel sorry for you?
Maddie ---No, it was a joke...How could I expect you to feel sorry for me?...But you know, David. I didn't do any of it to hurt you. None of it, but it did and I'm really sorry...I know I've made some mistakes. First I ran home to Mommy and Daddy, then I ran into Walter on the train...But now I realize...The only person who can fix this situation is me...I love you, David...When I saw you by that bed with Terri.....What matters here, what's important, is that we stop hurting each other. If that means you have to leave, then I'll just have to accept that, but there's one thing I want you to know...That I really wish, with my whole heart, that this was your baby inside me.

***