1. Мисли [01.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 2. Онаний [01.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 3. Няколко за вибратори [01.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 4. Гатанка [01.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 5. Интелектуално [01.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 6. Презервативи [01.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 7. The Zen of Programming [08.09.00  Atanas Banov]
 8. Beer [09.09.00 Todor Todorov]
 9. Trendafil Akaciev [12.09.00 Atanas Banov]
 10. Trendafil Akaciev. Bqlgarskoto haiku [12.09.00 Atanas Banov]
 11. Кошмари [15.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 12. Съдебно дело [15.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 13. Еякулация [15.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 14. Блондинка [15.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 15. A Wish [18.09.00 Lazar Ivanov]
 16. Iznasilena devoika [20.09.00; Nicolay Bancov]
 17. $100 [22.09.00 Atanas Banov]
 18. Противогаз [24.09.00; Radostina Georgieva]
 19. Дъщеря [24.09.00; Radostina Georgieva]
 20. Педераси [24.09.00; Radostina Georgieva]
 21. MACH-3 [26.09.00; Todor Todorov]
 22. Съдебно дело [26.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 23. Черен [26.09.00; Venelin Voykov]
 24. Фермер [26.09.00; Venelin Voykov]

Мисли

Секс с презерватив: да съчетаеш безполезното с неприятното.
Момичета има всякакви - бели, черни, жълти, заразни...

Онаний

Имало едно време един дядо, който се казвал Онаний. Дошло му време да умира и той събрал роднините си. Почнал да им говори:
- Умря Ленин - умря и ленинизмът... Умря Сталин - умря и сталинизмът...
Всички го прекъсват в хор:
- Дядо, не умирай!

Няколко за вибратори

Мадама влиза тресейки се в секс-магазин. Още от вратата запелтечва:
- Ви-ви-ви-бра-бра-то-ри про-про-да-ва-ва-те ли?
- Да - отговорила продавачката.
- А как се из-из-из-ключват?

***

Една жена си правила кефа с един вибратор, но за беда вибраторът нещо се
заклещил и тя не могла да го извади. Отишла на доктор и докторът и казал, че
е необходима операция. Когато жената се свестила от упойката, докторът
отишъл при нея и й казал:
- Имам за вас една добра и една лоша новина. Лошата е, че не само че не
успяхме да извадим вибратора, но даже той се заклещи още по-лошо и никога
няма да можете да го извадите. Добрата новина е, че го обърнахме така, че ще
можете да си сменяте батериите.

Гатанка

- Каква е приликата между секса и бриджа?
- И при двете трябва да имаш или добър партньор, или добра ръка.

Интелектуално

Разговор между жени:
- Вчера излизах с един интелектуалец. Заведе ме на театър.
- И какво?
- А после ме заведе на изискано заведение.
- И след това?
- А после отидихме у тях.
- И там какво?
- И той си извади пениса...
- Какво е това "пенис"?
- Абе интелектуалците го имат... то е като кур, ама по-малко.

Презервативи

Мъж влиза в аптеката:
- Една опаковка презервативи.
- Какъв размер?
- Амиии... не знам...
- Добре тогава! Вземете тази дъска с дупки, отидете в тоалетната и
премерете!
След десет минути мъжът се връща:
- Размислих, не ми трябват презервативи! Колко струва дъската?

The Zen of Programming
Book Four \ Metal

*** One ***

A novice who had studied long at the university went to see the master programmer.
 
The novice said: "I have memorized the collected algorithms of the ACM, all twelve volumes of 'The Art of Computer Programming', and I can program in LISP, PROLOG, SNOBOL, ALGOL, MODULA2, and ADA."
 
The master nodded politely. "It is seldom that I meet a man as erudite as yourself," he said, "I would like your opinion of a program that I have written."

"I would be happy to assist you," said the novice, throwing his chest out with pride.
 
The master went to his personal computer and inserted a diskette. "First I must make a copy," he explained.
 
They sat there for a few minutes, listening to the rustle of the spinning drive. Suddenly the computer displayed a message reading "No more space on disk...Abort, Retry, or Ignore?"
 
The master programmer typed "R" to retry the operation. Once more they listened to the drive and once more the error message appeared upon the screen. But the master merely pressed "R" once more, repeating the same sequence of events.
 
Finally the novice could restrain himself no longer. "There is no more room on the diskette!" he said angrily, "It is too full!"
 
The master said: "It is your mind that is too full."
 
And then the novice was enlightened.
 
*** Two ***
 
Thus spake the master: "Any program, no matter how small, contains bugs."
 
The novice did not believe the master's words. "What if the program were so small that it performed but a single function?" he asked.
 
"Such a program would have no meaning," said the master, "but if such a one existed, the operating system would fail eventually, producing a bug."
 
But the novice was not satisfied. "What if the operating system did not fail?" he asked.
 
"There is no operating system that does not fail," said the master, "but if such a one existed, the hardware would fail eventually, producing a bug."
 
The novice still was not satisfied. "What if the hardware did not fail?" he asked.
 
The master gave a great sigh. "There is no hardware that does not fail," he said, "but if such a one existed, the user would want the program to do something different, and this too is a bug.
 
A program without bugs would be an absurdity, a nonesuch. If there were a program without any bugs then the world would cease to exist." 
 
*** Three ***
 
The Magician of the Ivory Tower visited the master programmer, bringing his latest invention as usual.
 
The master programmer looked up from his terminal and saw the magician standing in the doorway "What have you brought this time?" asked the master.
 
"This is my greatest invention," said the magician, wheeling a box into the room, "It is the ultimate desktop publishing system. With it I do everything that can be accomplished with a typesetter, a light table, and a camera. I have designed it so that anyone familiar with traditional printing can learn to use the software in a few months. A programmer can learn it in twice that time. Here is a sample page I have generated- Behold: it resembles the first page of the Guttenberg Bible! ~'
 
The master programmer examined the sample output, a slight smile on his face. "What is the anticipated usage for the device?" he asked.
 
"We will use it for technical publishing," said the magician.
 
(Special Note from the Editor)
 
The magician is often used in Zen folktales to introduce antithetical circumstances. It is not known if this personage actually existed. However there are legends to the effect that the tower was manned by a legion of fanatical devotees who were persuaded to commit software piracy, murder, and various other unethical acts in return for machine time on a Cray-2.
 
The tower was besieged and nearly destroyed at the end of the third dynasty but was salvaged and restored by a government grant.

*** Four ***
 
A novice went into the master's cubicle and saw a new computer sitting upon the master's desk.
 
'What is that computer?" asked the novice.
 
The master placed his hand upon a small box that was connected to the computer by a wire. "Behold," said the master, "This device controls what we see on the screen.
 
The novice looked closely at the screen, but all he saw were meaningless symbols.
 
"The screen simulates a desk," explained the master, "For example, here on the screen is a filing cabinet and a trash repository. Here also is a typewriter and a calculator."
 
"This is a wonderful invention," whispered the novice in awe.
 
"It is not as wonderful as it seems," said the master. He took the novice by the shoulders and made him stand several feet back. "Can you see the two desks?" asked the master.
 
The novice nodded. "One is on the floor, the other is on the screen," he remarked.
 
"Just so. Now, is there something missing on one of the two desks?"
 
The novice pondered for a moment. "One of the desks does not have a computer on it," he said.
 
The master shook his head. "Neither of the desks has a computer on it."
 
*** Five ***
 
A novice asked the master: "What is the true meaning of programming?"
 
The master replied: "Eat when you are hungry, sleep when you are fatigued, program when the moment is right.
 
*** Six ***
 
Hearing a disturbance, the master programmer went into the novice's cubicle.
 
"Curse these personal computers!" cried the novice in anger, "To make them do anything I must use three or even four editing programs. Sometimes I get so confused that I erase entire files. This is truly intolerable!"
 
The master programmer stared at the novice. "And what would you do to remedy this state of affairs?" he asked.
 
The novice thought for a moment. "I will design a new editing program," he said, "a program that will replace all these others."
 
Suddenly the master struck the novice on the side of his head. It was not a heavy blow, but the novice was nonetheless surprised. "What did you do that for?" exclaimed the novice.
 
"I have no wish to learn another editing program," said the master.
 
And suddenly the novice was enlightened.
 
*** Seven  ***
 
A novice asked the master, "Whenever I program on a new system I must learn a new language. Why are there no standards?"
 
The master turned away. "The only true standard is Death," he said.
 
*** Eight ***
 
A novice asked the master: "Is there Buddha-nature in an ADA compiler?"
 
The master replied: "Have you ever noticed that the NULL character is 000 in both octal, hex, and decimal?"
 
Suddenly the novice was enlightened.
 
*** Nine ***
 
Two programmers named Diagu and Gudo were making presentations to the president of a large corporation.
 
When he stood up to speak, Gudo said to the executive, "You are wise by nature and understand the true meaning of computers."
 
"Nonsense," said Diagu, "Why do you praise this fool? He may be an executive, but he knows nothing about computers."
 
The executive rewarded them both and then hired a consultant to determine which of them was correct.

Beer

Към директорът на пивоварна от група програмисти:

"Молба.
Молим да ни включите към завода по наета линия със скорост 0.5 л/с."

Trendafil Akaciev

Kotka blije kontakt -
neveroyatno, no fakt
cqk-cqk...
Yazqk!

Trendafil Akaciev. Bqlgarskoto haiku

Sini misli pluvat po rekata
i si hrupkat zelenchuk.
Vizh, edna povdigna si glavata
i potqna kato strug.

Кошмари

Съруг и съпруга спят. Изведнъж жената се стряска на сън и изкрещява:
- Мъжът ми си идва!
Съпругът й скача и се пъхва в гардероба.
Излиза, гледа гузно, жената седи, подпряла глава с двете си ръце, той сяда
до нея, потупва я по рамото и казва:
- Няма нищо, мила, и двамата сме се поизнервили напоследък..

Съдебно дело

Съд. Върви дело срещу млада жена, обвинена в убийство. Пред съдебните заседатели излиза нейният адвокат:
- Господа съдебни заседатели....Погледнете тази жена, какви стойни крака, какви изумителни очи, какви нежни ръце, какви червени
устни...........Смятате ли, че такава жена е способна на убийство? Аз свърших....
Прокурорът:
- И аз свърших, но това още не е доказателство...

Еякулация

На лекция в медицински институт професорът се обръща към аудиторията с въпрос:
- Знаете ли, какво количество сперма се отделя при еякулацията?
След това вдига някаква студентка да отговори.
Студентката:
- Пълна уста.
Професорът:
- Добре, колежке, а други измервателни единици, да знаете?
Студентката:
- Знам! Две глътки.

Блондинка

Блондинка се чуди защо е толкова популярна. Решила да се допита до своя приятелка:
- Може би това е заради моята прекрасна коса?
- Мисля, че не...
- Или пък заради стройната ми фигура...?
- Мисля, че и заради това не е...
- Може би, тогава заради характера ми..?
- И това не е..
- Ох, предавам се..
- Ето, ето, това е причината...

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.
The man thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy".
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Iznasilena devoika

Iznasilena devoika w suda. Tui kato chesto kazwala "me eba" i t.n. sudqta i prawi zabelezka  da se izrazqwa po-malko cinichno i raskaza i prodobiwa sledniq wid:
 
Men ne me e che me. Mene kolko sa meeee. Men me e che me a puk kazwa che ne me e.

$100

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

Противогаз

dwama si goworqt:
- nai-obicham da prawq seks, kogato jenata e s protiwogaz.
- a stiga be? ne ti li kofti?
- a be, kofti, naprawo e super. pytwo kogato e s protiwogaz jenata mylchi, wtoro ne i gledam protiwnata mutra i treto kato stisna myrkucha znaesh li kak myrda.

Дъщеря

nqkakyw wodi desetgodishnata si dyshterq na doktor i mu kazwa:
- doktore, daite i recepta za hapcheta protiw zabremenqwane?
- shto? da ne e seksualno aktiwna.
- ne, pasiwna e. samo znae da leji po gryb, syshto kato maika si....

Педераси

znaete li kak pederasite si mahat prezerwatiwa?
- kato prydnat.

MACH-3

Презервативи MACH-3! Вие правите едно движение, те правят три!

Съдебно дело

Двама се съдят. Единият е минал с колата през крака на другия. Адвокатът на ищеца става и казва:
- Господин съдия, моят клиент трябва да получи обезщетение в размер на сто хиляди долара....
Ответникът скача:
- Господин съдия, тоя какво си мисли, аз да не съм милионер...
Потърпевшият скача и се обръща към него:
- А ти, бе, да не мислиш, че аз съм стоножка!!!!!!!!

Черен

Две хлапета, си приказват.
- Слушай, пич, ти защо си такъв черен?
- Знаеш ли, пич, когато съм тръгнал да се раждам, майка ми видяла един негър, уплашила се и побягнала...
- Абе, слушай сега, ще ти кажа нещо, но няма да ми се сърдиш. На мен ми се струва, че негърът я е догонил....

Фермер

Един фермер трябвало да пътува по свой дела за срок от два месеца. Преди да отпътува поверил управлението на фермата на своя най-верен каубой. След свършването на работата той се прибира и намира фермата в отлично състояние. И пшеницата се изкласила добре, и кокошките дават повече яйца, и кравите повече мляко. Фермерът признателно потупва каубоя по рамото, а той му разказва и за други свой добри постижения. Накрая заключава:
- Шефе, и в заключение, на мен ми се удаде дори, да избавя щерка ти от месечният цикъл......